HOW TO PROTECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOUR TEEN MAKES YOU ANGRY
The anger that teens can provoke in us can sometimes feel intolerable. I often think that if we didn’t love them so much, the anger probably wouldn’t be so intense.
Unfortunately, this anger can put a tremendous amount of strain on the relationship. Not at all good for us and certainly not good for our teens.
When parents get angry, there’s a tendency to either lash out or to swing the other way and push the feelings down. Both ways of responding sometimes seem to work. For instance, lashing out in anger can feel good. It gives some relief and many times it seems to work when your teen perks up and listens or finally does what you’ve been telling them forever to do. But lashing out can leave you feeling guilty and leaves most teens with a lot of resentment.
And while sometimes you may lash out, there might be other times where you just push it away. And that can seem to work too because then you don’t risk any conflict and you don’t have to deal with the possibility of guilt. And sometimes the feelings that you push away seem to eventually go away. But then shoved down anger has a way of showing back up.
In the long term, both responses to anger leave parents feeling frustrated and neither response provides much resolution.
Here’s the thing. Anger isn’t the problem. It’s the way we react to our anger that’s the problem.
The good news is that there’s a way to navigate the anger so that you can also protect or cultivate the relationship with your teen.
Three suggestions when you’re feeling angry:
Identify your needs. Anger is often a signal. It gives us information. So, rather than react to your anger and rather than push it away, ask yourself what you need. For instance, maybe you need to take a break or ask for help or set a boundary. If anger is intense, talk to someone who supports you or give yourself some time since this helps to lessen the anger allowing you to navigate it more effectively. For some people, anger can feel scary or uncomfortable. If that’s the case, give yourself some grace which helps you navigate this normal, sometimes very uncomfortable emotion.
Let go of judgments. Letting go of judgments often seems impossible. But know this – judgmental thinking intensifies anger and impedes our ability to be effective. Try substituting judgments with mantras or helpful statements. Check out one of my previous blog posts for one simple tool that can help. (I use it a lot and it works.) And just to be clear, judgments are okay and sometimes very necessary. It’s giving into and engaging in unhelpful judgments that can make us feel terrible and sabotage a relationship.
Focus on how you want to be. Focusing on what someone else is doing wrong or how terrible you’re feeling intensifies anger which then negatively impacts parenting. When we shift the focus to how we want to be – confident, wise, centered, patient – we experience a greater ability to respond more effectively. For instance, when a parent thinks about how angry they are, they often just feel angrier. But when they acknowledge their anger and shift their attention to being the parent they want to be, they usually respond in a much wiser way.
Know this: If you didn’t love your teen so much, you probably wouldn’t get so angry. So, it’s okay and completely understandable when a parent gets angry. But know also that reacting to anger – whether it’s lashing out or pushing it down – can interfere with a parent’s ability to be a wise parent. So, next time you’re angry, see if you can identify your needs, let go of judgments, and focus on how you want to be.