FEELING ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR CHALLENGING TEEN?
Try This One Simple Tool with Your Challenging Teen
Several years ago, I had an experience with a family member who I would describe as having an extremely challenging personality. I was committed to being loving and patient, yet his challenging personality made it difficult.
Concerned that my feelings were interfering with our relationship, I tried something that I teach parents. Over and over, I said to myself, He’s doing the best he can. Even though I didn’t believe it, I knew to say it to myself anyway.
I practiced it wherever I went to make it a habit. Standing in a glacially paced line at the grocery store, waiting on the server in an overcrowded restaurant, watching disturbing content on the news, He’s doing the best he can. (Or, depending on the situation – she’s doing the best she can, they’re doing the best they can.)
Every time I was with this family member, He’s doing the best he can.
What I discovered surprised me. I experienced feelings of calm as I said this mantra over and over. I was able to think more clearly and after some time, I noticed more of his positive qualities.
Being with a challenging teen, despite all your best efforts, can trigger negative thoughts. He’s so annoying. I can’t believe what a brat she is. He’s just like his father. Parents try to either push away the negative thoughts which can lead to frustration, or they engage in the negative thoughts which generates more negative thoughts. These negative thoughts (which make sense) have the potential to make things worse.
He’s doing the best he can is a tool to calm your thinking which helps in several different ways:
Greater clarity for addressing issues effectively
Greater ability to recognize and then respond to positive behaviors
Improved capacity to demonstrate acceptance and presence
When I explain this skill to parents, many respond with something like this, Well he’s not doing the best he can. Last week he was fine and this week he’s being a brat so I know he’s not doing the best he can.
Think of it this way – He’s doing the best he can in this moment. In fact, we all are doing the best that we can in this moment. Some days we might feel energetic and loving. Other days we feel unmotivated and irritable. But we’re still doing the best we can.
Today, I am grateful that I enjoy this family member thoroughly. And because of this simple tool, I am delighted to report that I experience greater peace around people who ordinarily might trigger feelings of negativity.
Feeling angry, irritated, or frustrated with someone? Instead of pushing away or engaging in the negative thoughts, try He’s doing the best he can. Not once, but over and over. Notice what happens to your emotions and thoughts, and how that impacts how you respond.
I’m grateful to Pat Harvey, who shared with me this and many other powerful tools that I now teach to parents of complicated teens.