AM I THE ONLY ONE?
You run into a friend at the grocery store who shares with you her daughter’s latest achievement. You're looking through social media and your friends' family pictures seem perfect.
Meanwhile your teen spent three hours the previous evening sobbing. Or you just yelled at your teen who you discovered has been lying to you.
Teens with easy dispositions can make you feel like a wonderful parent.
And then there are teens who are more complicated.
Here are four common things that parents of complicated teens experience and strategies for coping.
1. Feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment
Many teens are more challenging. They yell, shut down, demand, avoid, escape, defy, argue, blame others, or engage in self-harming behaviors.
Parents do their best, yet their teen continues to demonstrate unskillful behavior. This can incite feelings of anger and resentment in a parent which makes sense.
Feelings of anger and resentment are often a clue that you need something – to take a break, to set a limit, or to ask for help.
It’s important to address the resentment but it’s vital to do so when you are in a calmer state of mind. Otherwise, it can make things worse. So, take a breath. Ask for help when necessary. It is possible to respond to the feeling of resentment with compassion – compassion for yourself and compassion for your teen.
2. Feelings of shame and embarrassment
You feel embarrassed about your teen’s behavior. Or you harbor feelings of resentment for your teen’s behavior and then experience feelings of shame.
Give yourself grace. Know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.
Shift your attention to how you want to be – wise, centered, effective. Focusing on how awful you feel or focusing on what you suppose others are thinking has the capacity to make everything worse. Focusing on how you want to be helps reduce distress and gives you more clarity so that you can respond effectively.
3. Feelings of fear about your teen’s future
Given the problems that your teen may have, it feels impossible not to worry about your teen’s future. Know what’s normal adolescent behavior and what’s cause for concern. Reach out for professional help when needed.
Make a commitment to ensure your own well-being. Reach out for support. Slow down and practice living mindfully. Not only is this excellent for your emotional well-being, it’s also an excellent skill to model for your teen.
4. Feelings of conflict with your partner
Parenting a complicated teen can create a tremendous amount of stress for both parents.
Make it a goal to work together as a team. It helps to understand where your partner is coming from. Are they scared? Worried? Overwhelmed? Let go of trying to be right and instead make it a goal to support each other. Not only does your relationship benefit but so does your teen.
There is hope
Know that you’re not alone. Some teens are more challenging.