MY TEEN MAKES ME CRAZY

“I’d be fine if she’d act right.” I hear this often. Many complicated teens are not always likeable.

Some kids are born with an extremely sensitive disposition. When they’re happy, they’re over the moon happy. When they’re angry, they become rageful. Look at them funny and they get their feelings hurt. 

Know this – teens behaviors (shutting down, defying, self-harming, yelling) are their unskillful way of coping with their very intense emotions. A complicated teen’s emotions and behaviors can affect a parent’s emotions. 

Parents frequently experience feelings of anger or resentment and then experience anger or guilt about feeling that way. It can make parenting a challenge.

You love your kid. But you may not always like them. When teens are challenging it’s hard not to give into your urge for an emotional response – spiraling into negative thinking, saying something critical, yelling, blaming someone else, or just avoiding it all.

Always remember that an emotional response may give you some immediate relief (it feels powerful to get angry or it feels relieving to avoid) but in the long run it doesn’t help. 

So here are 7 Wise Parenting tips for helping you deal effectively with the emotions that come with parenting a complicated teen:

1. Take a breath.  Remember your goal – to be an wise parent. Do not give into your emotional impulse. Instead, breathe slowly and deeply. And then continue to breathe slowly and deeply. It’s okay to feel angry, but you don’t want to give into the urge to react angrily or emotionally. When parents slow down their breathing to manage their emotions, they stand a better chance of getting through the difficulty without giving into an emotional impulse. This also models an excellent skill for your teen. So, breathe slowly and deeply even when you have an urge to do something else. And remember this – practice breathing slowly and deeply when things aren’t as challenging – like when you’re in traffic or waiting in the checkout line at the grocery. If you practice, you increase the chances that you’ll use this skill when things get challenging. 

2. Watch your posture. When people feel angry or resentful, they can experience tension in their bodies. When they feel sad, they lower their head, slouch their shoulders. The way parents hold their body can impact their emotions which can trigger negative thinking. Try it now. Slump your shoulders, furrow your brow, and frown. Notice how you feel. Now sit up tall, relax your shoulders, let any tension in your forehead go, and smile. Notice how you feel. The way we hold our bodies impacts our emotions which can affect our behavior. This all increases the chances that you’ll respond to your teen skillfully. This also impacts your teen. Sensitive teens will pick up on your body language which can intensify their emotion. Your calm body language can positively impact your teen.

3. Validate yourself. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Never tell yourself you should not feel a certain way. Accept that you feel this way – “I feel angry and no wonder I feel angry” … or “it’s okay to feel angry.” Feeling angry is very different than giving in to the feeling and acting out angrily.  Last week’s blog I talked about the power of validating your teen. It’s also imperative that parents validate themselves. This reduces distress and reduces the chances of an emotional reaction which can contribute to your teen’s distress. When you validate yourself, you then have a better chance of responding to your feelings skillfully, like addressing a concern or setting a boundary. Wise parenting is about responding to your emotions skillfully, not trying to get away from your feelings or reacting to your feelings. And validation helps.

4. Let go of judgments. Judgments just fuel negative emotions which can then increase the likelihood that you’ll give into the impulse to yell, or spiral into negativity. Want to think effectively? Use descriptions instead. So instead of “she’s such a brat” or “here we go again” try, “I’m noticing my negative thoughts” or “I’m noticing feelings of tension.”

Teens who are sensitive can detect judgments from parents (even when parents aren’t saying anything) which just fuels the teen’s distress. So let go of judgments.

It can be helpful to use mantras or affirmations and to say them over and over. And some parents find it extremely helpful to pray when they catch themselves judging. All these things help to ward off the almost constant judging that can happen despite a parent’s best efforts.  

5. Know when to get help for your teen. Remember, being a teen is difficult and they’re not usually equipped to deal with the intense emotions that can go along with these difficulties. Their behavior is often their way of getting out of distress. You want to be clear about what’s typical behavior and what’s a sign that something is problematic. If it’s just typical behavior like being moody or pulling away, then you can practice acceptance. If they’re self-harming, then seek help. Check out our resource on Adolescent Behavior - Typical and Problematic.

6. Stay calm and firm. Have a plan to say something short and simple if they behave rudely.  A simple redirection like, “Can you say that a different way?” or “That’s enough” is a far better way of addressing disrespect than arguing, criticizing, shaming, or avoiding. Stay calm and firm. If you find yourself arguing, stop. You can say, “I really don’t want to argue about this – let’s talk about it when we’re both calmer.” Arguing only fuels emotions and does not solve anything.  

7. Don’t take it personally.  Remember adolescence is a challenging time. Just because they look like this today does not mean they’re going to be like this forever. Remember too, parents can do everything perfectly and still have a challenging teen. Don’t depend on your teen to feel better. Instead talk to a supportive friend or try giving yourself a sweet talk, “Oh sweetheart, this is hard. You can get through this,” instead of spiraling into negative thinking. 

Remember – change takes time. Your efforts to stay wise and calm positively impact you. And the more you practice, the easier it gets. Don’t do this because you’re expecting a certain outcome. Do this because your goal is be a wise parent. When parents live wisely, teens have a better chance of learning to live wisely.