HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN THINGS DON’T FEEL OKAY
The other day I experienced distress when I received some disappointing news. I know how this can impact my mood which can impact my role as a wife, therapist, mother, and friend. So, as I’ve learned to do when I’m in distress, I looked for the opposites as I went about my day.
I’m experiencing disappointment and I know that there is something I can learn.
Some things I can control and some things I can’t control.
Some days I feel positive and other days I feel challenged.
At times I feel loving and other times I feel irritable.
There are days when I have energy and days when I don’t.
Today the house is clean and tidy and some days it’s not.
My mind cleared up when I began looking for opposites. I saved myself from tumbling into negativity and found myself looking at options, experiencing a brighter outlook, and feeling energized with creative problem solving.
Things are hard right now. The last couple of years of the pandemic and the current social and political divisiveness has been hard. It’s made many of us more emotionally vulnerable. This emotional vulnerability can make parenting a complicated teen more challenging. When vulnerable, we are more prone to react emotionally rather than respond wisely.
So how to manage this emotional vulnerability so that parents can respond calmly and wisely? How to be okay even when we don’t feel okay?
This technique of looking for opposites helps me navigate through challenges. It helps me move out of a highly emotional state to a wiser state where I can respond to the challenges in life more effectively. Looking for opposites cultivates balance. When a parent’s perspective is balanced, they are calmer and have keener insight, which is important for wise parenting.
When parents live wisely, teens have a better chance of learning to live wisely.
Here are some examples of opposites that parents can use.
Feeling rushed? Slow down.
Parents are bombarded with deadlines, demands, and pressure which sets off an urge to speed up and multitask. But rushing around and multi-tasking can increase anxiety, decrease effectiveness, and send messages to your brain that you’re in danger. This can increase the likelihood that you will react emotionally to your teen. So, do the opposite. Make an intention to slow down. You might not think you can actually slow down but you can slow down your breathing and you can stay focused on doing one thing at a time. Teens are experiencing a lot of pressure these days, too, and often lack the ability to manage the stress and pressure effectively. Model this incredibly effective strategy: slow your breathing, do one thing at a time.
Facing challenges? Look for growth.
Know that your teen might have challenges or consequences and they also have an opportunity for growth. Be careful that you don’t give into an urge to try to save your teen from experiencing challenges or consequences. It’s these challenges in life that people have an opportunity to learn and grow. It’s tempting to give into that urge and do things for your adolescent to reduce their distress. But this can become a pattern. Parents can get into the habit and do things for their teen because it relieves the parents of their distress; but it can also unintentionally send their teen a message that they’re not capable and it can prevent them from learning valuable lessons in life. Your goal is not to make life easier for your teen. It’s to help them deal with life. Some parents think they’re not being loving if they don’t help their teen and do something to get them out of distress. You can be loving and compassionate and still not give into your urge to save your teen from challenges or consequences.
Experiencing difficulties? Look for blessings.
Parenting a complicated teen is sometimes difficult. And when things are hard, there’s a tendency to notice what is not going right. And sometimes it’s more comfortable to give into the familiar impulse and complain or criticize. But parents fare better and respond to challenges more wisely when they also notice what’s right.
Make a daily ritual of noticing the blessings or the successes. Consider keeping a gratitude journal. Notice what is right about others and say so.
Of course, it is important to also notice and address what is not right. But never do this in a highly emotional state. The goal is to be wise and looking for the blessings helps. So, notice the positives – in your teen and in yourself.
Feeling scared? Be brave.
Know that you can be worried, but you can also be brave. This recognition that you can have two different emotions at the same time, reduces emotional intensity. It can be frightening when your teen is in distress. This can intensify your emotions which can inadvertently impact your teen.
Looking for the opposite emotion can help reduce emotional intensity and help parents respond more wisely to their teen. Be with your teen, validate them. Be brave and present. Ask them for what might be helpful versus automatically trying to cheer them up (which for some teens just increases their distress.)
I knew a mother whose daughter called home from school, anguished over a conflict with a peer. The mother experienced an almost intolerable sense of anxiety and an urge to pick her daughter up from school. But then the mother remembered that she could be scared, and she could also be brave. She remembered that the goal was not to save her daughter from emotions, but to help her tolerate emotions. So instead of picking up her daughter, or falling apart herself, she said to her daughter with compassion and confidence, “This sounds hard. How can you be brave?” She maintained a wise, balanced stance and her daughter has since learned that when she is scared, she can also be brave.
Need to set limits? Set limits with love.
Setting limits on devices in a very loving way is wise, “I know you love your phone and I love mine too but I also love being outdoors and connecting with people.” Validate your teen and set limits. Like my good friend and colleague Linda Combes says, “It’s about balance. You let your kid eat chocolate for a treat, but you wouldn’t even think about having only chocolate for a meal. Like chocolate, devices are fantastic, but a constant diet of devices is unhealthy.” So, make wise choices and set limits with love.
In Summary
So even when you don’t feel okay, you can be okay. And looking for opposites helps.
Rather than giving into the urge to rush and multi-task, slow down and do one thing at a time.
Rather than notice only what’s not right, see also what is right. Notice the blessings and say so.
Rather than give into fear, be brave. Rather than allow your teen unlimited access to devices, set limits with love.
Look for opposites today.