SENSITIVITY: A CURSE OR A GIFT?
If you know my story you know that at an early age I was labeled as sensitive. I don’t think this label was intended as a compliment.
But today, many decades and lots of lessons later, I know that sensitivity can be a gift. And I want parents and teens to know this as well. After all, sensitive people often have greater capacity for creativity and intuition. They can transform their passion into making positive change in the world. And they are capable of developing rich relationships and appreciating great joy in their lives.
Unfortunately, these very intense emotions can wreak havoc on someone’s life if not navigated skillfully. It’s no wonder sensitivity can seem like a curse.
How can parents help their sensitive teen?
Regulate first. A mother I recently spoke with says that any time she notices her teen in distress she focuses on regulating her own breathing. Rather than reacting to her teen’s emotions, she focuses on regulating her own breathing. She notices that her regulated breathing promotes her ability to stay calm. She also notices that eventually her teen calms when she herself regulates. Regulating ourselves is the first task – it restores our nervous system, enabling us to think more clearly and respond to situations more effectively.
When a teen is experiencing a challenging emotion, it is tempting to cheer them up, give advice, or get them to see things in a more positive way. This response can sometimes make things worse. Sometimes just sitting and listening is a powerful way to reduce distress. It’s also helpful to ask, “Would you like me to just listen, or would you like some advice?” before automatically giving advice.
Know that teens can have all sorts of intense emotions – anger, annoyance, worry, discomfort, and resentment.
And even with these intense emotions, they can learn to be skillful, brave, and compassionate.
Other skills for navigating challenging emotions:
Let go of judgments. Labeling and judging can contribute to anyone’s distress and what is truly troubling is that these labels can develop into self-fulfilling prophecies. When we let go of labels and judgments, we are better able to understand our teens and to believe in them.
Focus on how you want to be rather than how you feel. There’s a tendency to give into a feeling: We feel scared, we freeze. We get angry, we attack. We feel awkward, we shrink. We feel stressed, we shut down. Rather than getting caught up in how we’re feeling it helps to shift your focus to how you want to be – centered, present, confident.
Do the right thing. Too often our behavior is determined by our moods. When we’re in the mood, we do what we need to do. If we’re not in the mood, then forget it. This behavior can become a habit and impede us. Teach and model – do the right thing even when you don’t feel like it.
Participate in life. Music, art, drama, running, clubs, service opportunities, crafts, sports, church groups. It can be helpful to throw ourselves into participating in activities. This builds resilience, creates joy, and cultivates a sense of mastery.
If you’re someone who’s sensitive, then know that you have a gift. And if you have a teen who is sensitive, let them know they have a gift.
When we learn skills to navigate emotional challenges, we can benefit from the gift of sensitivity.
Our mission is to support parents of teens.