SHOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT MY TEEN?
Knowing what’s common adolescent behavior and what is cause for concern
Your once sweet child used to cozy up with you most evenings, asking you to read him a book or play a game. He’d talk nonstop, basking in your presence. Now he’s negative and complains incessantly.
Or you hate to admit it, but it’s hard to be around your daughter who used to be fearless and spunky but now falls apart over the slightest amount of stress.
But then these adolescent behaviors are normal. Right?
Adolescence is a time of monumental change and it’s often hard to determine whether what your teen is doing is normal or whether you should be concerned.
Knowing what’s normal and what’s cause for concern helps parents know how best to respond.
Moodiness, a messy bedroom, self-centeredness, difficulty tolerating distress are all examples of normal adolescent behavior.
It helps to know what behaviors are normal, what behaviors you can accept.
For instance, when parents accept their teen’s sullenness rather than react to their teen’s sullenness, they often find that their teen is more open. Check one of our recent blog posts on this topic.
Or when parents accept their teen’s messy bedroom, they often find that there’s less conflict, more positivity, and that they have an easier time getting their teen to help with other household tasks.
But even though these behaviors are normal, they’re not always easy to tolerate. For instance, it’s common for parents to feel distress when their teen gets in the car and is sullen and uncommunicative.
And it can sometimes feel like you’re not doing your job as a parent if you don’t address their messy bedroom. So, if you recognize that you feel angry or irritated, give yourself grace. Acceptance and self-compassion are strategies that can help.
It helps to know what behaviors are normal and what behaviors are cause for concern.
It also helps to know how to wisely navigate your teen’s concerning behaviors.
Here are some tips:
A teen’s unskillful behavior is often their way of dealing. Self-harm, isolation, defiance, for example, are often ways they deal with distress and not a sign that you’ve done something wrong.
Seek counsel from a professional. Don’t know who to ask? A trusted friend, pediatrician, or guidance counselor are helpful resources and can provide you with names of professionals. Trust your gut. If you get advice that doesn’t feel right, ask someone else.
Ensure a healthy mindset. See getting help as healthy rather than as a sign of weakness.
Watch your urge. When teens struggle, it’s common for parents to experience an urge – an urge to fix, manage, blame someone else, avoid, or spiral into regret. These urges which can feel so strong often feel like signals of what to do, yet they frequently create more distress. Whatever the urge, take a breath (take several breaths) and commit to staying present. Presence helps parents think more clearly, and problem solve more effectively.
Have someone you can talk to. Parents navigate challenges more effectively when they have supports in their life.
Do things to promote your physical and emotional health. For example: walk, pray, or talk with people who support you. Avoid behaviors that might feel good in the short term but in the long term have the potential to make you feel worse, e.g., scrolling on social media, binge eating, drinking alcohol. Ensuring your own well-being gives you the emotional stamina needed for responding effectively to your teen.
Know that everything changes. Challenging times trigger thoughts that nothing is ever going to change, that something bad is going to happen. It can feel true. But that doesn’t mean it is true. Succumbing to these thoughts will interfere with your effectiveness. Remind yourself to stay present and to stay focused on the solution.
Teens are struggling. And parents are too. When parents feel supported, teens benefit.