THE FIRST TASK IN WISE PARENTING

We want our teens to live their best life. 

We want them to respond to challenges skillfully. For instance, we want them to do the right thing rather than wait until they’re in the mood. We want them to calm themselves rather than resort to substances or avoidance. We want them to make smart decisions even when tempted to give into peer pressure. We want them to develop their own sense of self rather than seeking out approval from others. 

After over two decades as an adolescent therapist and after raising three kids, I know with certainty that a teen’s behavior can trigger a parent’s emotions, setting off all sorts of natural impulses – impulses to fix things, to relieve them of challenges or to punish. These natural parental impulses, often driven out of a desire to be helpful, can inadvertently interfere with a teen’s ability to navigate emotions, impede their ability to develop resilience and wisdom and can add to a teen’s distress. 

When parenting a teen, it’s helpful to remember that the goal isn’t to save them from challenges or to fix or manage a teen. The goal is to help them navigate challenges effectively. And a parent’s natural impulses can interfere with this goal. So, the parent’s first task is to pause and ensure their own well-being. 

While this approach can seem counterintuitive, it’s actually very powerful. For instance, when parents attend to themselves first, they have an easier time maintaining calm which helps to promote a teen’s calm. They are less likely to spiral into negative and anxious thinking, enabling them to think more clearly and respond more effectively. They can see what’s positive, understand things from their teen’s perspective, and are less likely to give into judgments which helps to cultivate a positive relationship. And finally, parents who first attend to their own well-being, experience greater emotional resilience and role model healthy skills for their teens.

Tending to yourself first can mean:

• Pausing and calming yourself before acting on an impulse. 

• Checking your motives to ensure you’re speaking from a place of love and concern versus a place of control. 

• Letting go of negative habits which can leave parents more emotionally vulnerable. 

• Problem solving a situation that is causing distress.

• Asking for help.

Teens are struggling. Parents can respond in more helpful ways. And the first task is for a parent to tend to themselves.

When parents respond wisely, teens have a better chance of living wisely.