WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL IMPACTED BY YOUR TEEN’S EMOTIONS

Many teens feel emotions intensely. Sadness can send a teen spiraling into a depression. Confusion or worry registers as panic. Some teens don’t just feel frustrated, they feel rageful.

It seems impossible not to get impacted by your teen’s emotions, but it can compromise a parent’s ability to respond effectively.   

What can parents do when their teen’s intense emotions impact them?

1. Remember your goal. Your goal isn’t to change them or fix them or escape the situation. The goal isn’t to make them happy nor is it to convince them that you’re right. The goal is to be effective which means maintaining calm and responding skillfully rather than reacting emotionally. When parents stay focused on their goal rather than the distress that they are experiencing, they have a greater chance of being effective. This means that you can still feel sad or mad or worried, but that you maintain focus on your goal. 

2. Give yourself grace. What are you feeling? Scared, worried, confused, angry, sad? Give yourself grace, I feel mad, it’s okay that I feel mad. I feel worried, no wonder I feel worried. Then you are better able to navigate the situation – I need to stay focused on right now since spiraling into the future isn’t helping or I need to determine a plan to address this issue. Responding to emotions with grace gives a parent greater ability to respond to life rather than react to life. This is exactly what parents want to pass on to their teen. 

3. Reframe. In distress, there’s a tendency to judge. Judging your teen, he’s so ungrateful or she’s so manipulative. Or judging yourself, I’m so impatient.  Judging makes everything worse. Use reframing instead. Rather than he’s ungrateful try he’s learning to navigate the teenage years. Or instead of she’s so manipulative, try she’s doing things to get her needs met. Instead of I’m so impatient, try I’m incredibly patient and their behavior has pushed me over the limit. I can focus on staying skillful. Reframing improves a person’s ability to think clearly, and problem solve creatively. Let go of judgments. Try reframing instead.

4. Recognize your urge. Everyone has an urge when they experience an emotion. Your teen’s urge may be to blame you, or to scream, or to give up, or to use self-harm. Parents similarly have an urge when they experience distress. You might have an urge to fix or criticize your teen, or to spiral into guilt and self-blame. Giving into urges can sometimes feel good in the short term but in the long term make things worse. Pay attention to your urge. Determine a plan to get you through the urge (take a run, call a friend, drink some cold water, say a prayer) rather than give into the urge. Once the urge passes, you have a greater chance of responding effectively. 

5. Reduce vulnerability. If you’ve been rushing around or taking care of everyone else, you’re less likely to be patient. If you’ve been overworking, you’re more apt to get highjacked by your teen’s emotions and behavior. Reduce your emotional vulnerability by making a daily intention to ensure your well-being. Get adequate sleep, reach out to supportive people, learn a new hobby, participate in activities that bring you joy. Parents have a greater chance of responding skillfully when they make a commitment to ensure their well-being.