WHY TELLING YOUR TEEN TO BE GRATEFUL DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK

Several years ago, I worked with an adolescent who spoke fondly of his childhood. He recalled camping trips with his father every spring, neighborhood football games, and summers at the lake with extended family members. His parents described him as happy, outgoing, and curious.

Then he went to middle school, and everything changed. He was quiet at mealtimes, irritable with family members, and spoke negatively of his friends and school. Longing to be helpful, his parents reminded him of how good his life was and how much he had to be grateful for. He became more withdrawn.

Parents commonly tell their teens to be grateful because they know the benefits of gratitude. But they don’t realize that telling some teens to be grateful has the potential to make them feel worse. Here’s why.

Most teens are aware that they have it better than many. They’re also painfully aware of and confused by how terrible everything feels. When a teen is told that they should be grateful, they can experience more confusion which makes them feel worse. Often, they’ll withdraw or get angry.

How Can Parents Help?

Practice acceptance.

Give your teen the message that you accept them and that their emotions make sense. This is a powerful way to help reduce adolescent angst and improve the relationship with your teen. Resist the urge to remind them to be grateful and instead let them know that their emotions make sense, No wonder you feel that way.

Don’t take it personally.

I’ve seen so many parents do everything perfectly and still their teen is sullen and irritable. It helps to remember that teens are grappling with a lot so that you don’t take their moods personally. Instead, ensure your own peace of mind by making a daily ritual of looking for gratitude – the quirky comment from your co-worker, the blueberry muffin you enjoyed for breakfast, the way the sunlight reflects off the trees. When parents experience peace of mind, their teen benefits.  

Look for the positives.

We are all more prone to notice the negatives when we are stressed. Make an intention to look for the positives in your teen – their kind gesture to the neighbor, the funny comment they made at dinner, or the creative way they solved a problem. Let your teen know when you notice the positives. This helps to increase their positive behavior, promote their emotional well-being, and cultivate a harmonious relationship.

Know that growth comes from challenges.

When people move through challenges effectively, they grow. You can help your teen move through challenges by acknowledging that things are hard and helping them identify what they need, You look sad (or worried or overwhelmed or stressed) is there anything that I can do to be helpful? or Is there anything that you need?

This month make an intention to ensure your own peace of mind. Look for gratitude.