HOW TO MOTIVATE YOUR TEEN
“If things don’t change pretty soon my kid is going to be living with me for the rest of his life!”
You’ve tried everything to motivate your teen – giving him reminders, explaining what he needs to do, warning him about the consequences if he doesn’t change, and some days just ignoring it and hoping things get better on their own.
Why do teens seem so unmotivated?
Academic demands, bullying, social media, hormonal changes, conflict with parents, multitudes of decisions and distractions – all put an enormous amount of stress on a teen. And many teens are not equipped emotionally to handle it all.
Their solution, often, is to avoid.
It’s like this – you have a huge project due at work. It’s been hanging over your head. There’s a lot of pressure to succeed and a lot you don’t know how to do. You have good intentions, and you want to be successful. But every time you think about it you feel anxious and overwhelmed so you say to yourself, I’ll start tomorrow. And suddenly, the stress is gone.
So, when teenagers are sitting in bed, scrolling on social media, not doing their homework, it can seem like they’re unmotivated, like they don’t even care. But the truth is, it’s often their unskillful way of dealing.
What’s a parent to do?
Create an environment of calm. If teens’ behaviors are their way of dealing with distress, it’s vital that parents don’t contribute to the distress. This does not mean acting cheerful and pretending like everything is fine. This means avoiding anything that could potentially contribute to his distress. Our natural inclination is to talk, ask questions, and give reminders. But then this will likely prolong his use of avoidance. Notice if there’s anything that might be contributing to stress in the home environment. Pay attention to what he’s doing well and let him know that you notice. Make an intention to reduce unnecessary distress.
Focus on ensuring your own well-being. Wise parenting always starts with taking care of yourself. I’ve heard from more than one teen, Why would I want to grow up when I see my parents looking so miserable? Take care of yourself. Do what you can to ensure your emotional and physical well-being.
Teach and praise. It’s like teaching your kid to tie his shoe. You help him at first, lovingly. You break it down because you recognize the complexity of it. You get him to try. You reinforce his efforts and avoid pointing out the mistakes. You offer help as he needs it – a little at first and then less and less. You resist the urge to do it for him even when you’re in a hurry. And you maintain a belief in him.
Provide support. Discomfort is often what motivates people to change. Rather than saving him from problems, give support. You can say, You’re right, that is really stressful – is there anything that I can do to be helpful? Or, It seems like you have a lot going on. Let me know if you’d like for me to help with problem solving or to give you information that’s helped me in the past.
Set limits. Excessive use of electronics or use of substances reduces someone’s ability to tolerate distress and interferes with motivation. Teens need limits. Your teen may choose to do these things when he’s older, but you can set rules and limits in your home.
Know when to get help. Substance abuse and mood disorders interfere with a teen’s motivation and impede their growth. Reach out for professional help if this is a concern.