12 TIPS FOR WISE PARENTING THIS SCHOOL YEAR

For some parents, a new school year feels truly joyful. Back-to-school shopping, gorgeously colored school supplies, a brand-spanking new schedule, and the crisp feeling of a new season create a sense of hope and a desire for a certain outcome.

And for other parents, the start of a new school year brings up memories of the incessant race against the clock, arguments over missing assignments, and subsequent feelings of dread.

Remember this:

Getting focused on an outcome, like a desire for a successful school year, can lead to feelings of resentment when things don’t fall in line with expectations.

Getting focused on the problem can provoke a sense of doom and dread.

Getting focused on an outcome or on anticipated problems can lead to negative emotions and reduce a parent’s ability to be most effective.

This school year, make a goal to be a wise parent.

1. Make an intention every morning. Intention-setting is a powerful tool for increasing effectiveness. Setting an intention for the day keeps you focused on how you want to be, rather than focusing on something that you have no control over.

I know a mother, tired of feeling rushed every day, decided to start every morning with an intention to slow down. She woke twenty minutes before everyone else in the family. She slowly and mindfully drank her coffee and reminded herself of her intention. As she went about her day, whenever she noticed familiar feelings of irritability and tension, she slowed down. She practiced this for several months and discovered she was calmer, more attentive and experienced less of an urge to criticize or give unsolicited advice during conversations with her teenage son. She also experienced more energy and a brighter mood at the end of the day.

2. Reduce stress by taking advantage of what the school has to offer. Many schools offer assistance for students who struggle with grades, organization, or attendance. Delegating this task to the school alleviates stress for the parent and frees them of the emotional energy that they need for other things. It also reduces conflict between parent and teens. Ask your school about helpful services that are available to students. If no support is available, check out other options in your community or seek support from other parents.

3. Build mastery. Encourage your teen to learn something new or to participate in one school activity. Learning something new promotes a teen’s feelings of competence and self-worth. While some teens have no problem participating in extracurricular activities, others are much more resistant. So, keep it simple. Check out YouTube or Pinterest for wealth of inspirational ideas. You can encourage this by joining in on this quest yourself. What’s one new thing you’d like to learn this year?

4. Unplug at night. I predict, given many conversations with parents over the years, that this suggestion may be met with a lot of resistance. But given the fact that devices interrupt sleep and given that there’s a correlation between sleep deprivation and mental health problems in teens, making a rule that everyone in the family unplugs at night is part of being a wise parent. It’s helpful to remember that wise or effective parenting isn’t always comfortable. Be prepared for a significant amount of push back and keep in mind that this resistance is temporary! Remain loving and firm. Avoid defending this decision or arguing about it. Maintain a calm stance. Saying, I know this stinks, and at the same time I’m deciding that this is the wisest decision for our family, is far more effective than giving in or arguing.

5. Be solution focused. Identify something that was difficult last school year. Maybe it’s feeling overwhelmed with too many obligations. Or perhaps it’s arguments over household chores. Sit down either alone, with your partner, or as a family. Look at the problem constructively. Identify a specific goal and brainstorm possible solutions. Include every possible solution even if it seems unreasonable. Be creative. Then select a solution and put it to action. Evaluate after several weeks. What worked? What did you learn? What might be helpful next time? Remind family members that this is about reducing stress and creating harmony. Thank everyone for their help.  

6. Know that when teens walk away it might be their attempt to calm down. When teens are angry, engaging them in a discussion typically just escalates their emotions and rarely solves anything. Allow them to walk away when they’re angry and address things when calmer. Same for parents. It’s wise to walk away when you’re angry. But know this - since complicated teens can filter information negatively, they can perceive you walking away as a rejection. So be reassuring and let them know that you are walking away because you want to calm down.

7. Avoid sarcasm, gossip, or criticism. Be gentle. Be validating.

8. Save your energy. Talk less. If you find yourself feeling exhausted by all the reminders that you give out to your family, consider using post-it notes or providing a list of to-do’s. You can explain it this way, I noticed that I got really exhausted last year because I gave out so many reminders. I’ll make a list of to-do’s and leave it on the countertop every day. When someone forgets their task, give a simple reminder, remember the list! Save energy, talk less. And when someone follows through on a task remember to positively reinforce.

9. Let go of anything that leaves you feeling drained or negative. Do you feel terrible after scrolling on social media? Does gossip leave you feeling drained? Are you weary from too much news? Are you depleted by too many obligations? Parents of complicated teens need lots of emotional resources. Let go of anything that isn’t serving well. Establish practices to ensure wellness. How will you take care of yourself this school year?

10. Look for the positives. When anyone experiences stress, there’s a tendency to notice what’s not right and a failure to notice what’s right. This can wreak havoc on relationships and on one’s well-being. This year make an intention to look for the positives. Consider keeping a gratitude journal or a bullet journal with a list of successes. Know that sometimes complicated teens can get annoyed with typical words of praise so find what works for your teen – sometimes maybe just a smile or nod of affirmation. 

11. Praise yourself. Give yourself lots of praise, Oh wow, look at the way you just pulled into the parking space. This may seem ridiculous but bringing some positivity into your day can give you the energy that helps you to parent wisely AND it positively impacts your teen.

12. Lean on your supports. We need each other! Parenting a complicated teen can be challenging so having friends or family members who are supportive, and validating is essential. If you don’t have the support and validation that you need, look for it. Establish boundaries with those who leave you feeling weary or judged. 

Wishing everyone an effective, joyful, and successful school year!