WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR KID REFUSES TO GO TO SCHOOL

Or What to Do Any Time Avoidance is a Problem 

Years ago, I spoke with a mother whose daughter’s first experience with anxiety started in middle school. Initially, the mother said she was sympathetic and allowed her daughter to stay home from school for a “mental health day.” But then she noticed her daughter started avoiding other things – family dinners, church, and social events that she used to enjoy. Concerned, the mother scheduled for her daughter to participate in therapy and was pleased that her daughter was willing to go and seemed happier after every session. But the avoidant behaviors continued.

Teens and Anxiety

Many teens experience emotions intensely. Hormonal changes, academic challenges, social media, the desire to fit in, decisions about college, conflict with parents – these things can create sometimes intolerable emotions that many teens aren’t equipped to handle. A teen learns to alleviate their distress by finding ways to escape or avoid. They ask a parent to pick them up from school. They avoid social activities. They ask to stay home for a “mental health day.” They spend what seems like endless amounts of time on social media. These behaviors, escaping or avoiding, bring immediate relief to a teen. The problem is that avoidance can lessen a teen’s tolerance of distress and can become a pattern of coping. 

Responses to Anxiety

Imagine if you came home from a grueling day at work and you told your wonderfully supportive spouse about it. They responded with, “Oh honey, you always think the worse. You know it’s gonna be fine.”

Now not only have you had a grueling day, but you feel bad about feeling bad about your grueling day. You may also feel dismissed, and you likely won’t keep talking to your partner about it. 

Parents lovingly make these kinds of statements to their teens. However well intentioned, these responses feel invalidating. 

"Honey, you’ll be fine once you get there."

"Everyone likes you; you have nothing to worry about."

"Everything is going to be fine. Don’t worry about it."

When teens feel invalidated, they feel worse and often stop sharing.

Sometimes parents believe they must reduce their teens worry or stress. They fear that if they “push” their teen, the anxiety will get worse. So, parents lower expectations at home or bend the rules, e.g., they allow their teen to stay home from school or pick their teen up from school when they call home in distress or allow them to spend more time on devices. These approaches seem helpful because the anxiety abates, and the parent feels better. 

The problem with this approach is that the teen doesn’t learn how to tolerate distress. In fact, the more they avoid, the less tolerant of stress they become. 

Some parents might respond in the opposite direction. They use a more tough love approach:

"You were fine last night when you were playing video games." 

"You think this is hard, wait until you get in the real world." 

Unfortunately, this can increase a teen’s distress, doesn’t help the teen learn to deal with the emotions, and can create strain in the parent-child relationship. 

What's a Parent to Do?

Respond with Balance

First, accept that your teen feels the way they feel while maintaining a belief that they’re capable of change. Your job is not to get them out of distress but to help them experience the distress and then manage the distress effectively. 

Second, don’t give into an impulse to fix or cheer up. Instead, breathe. 

Third, listen closely. Let your teen know that what they’re feeling makes sense.

"No wonder you feel overwhelmed."

"That makes sense that you don’t want to go to school. "

This almost immediately reduces feelings of distress. 

Fourth, see if you can help them determine what it is they’re feeling and then identify a way to manage. Are they overwhelmed? Confused? Worried? Frustrated? Feelings give us information. You can help your teen figure out what they’re feeling and then determine what they need to move forward. 

"This sounds hard, how do you want to handle it?"

"Sounds like things are really overwhelming – would you like for me to listen or to help you figure out a way to problem solve?"

"Sounds like a frustrating situation. Is there something that I can do to be helpful, or would it be helpful to discuss this with your therapist?" 

Model Mindfulness. There’s plenty of evidence that mindfulness (being present in the moment) reduces anxiety and increases emotional resilience. Parents can’t make their teen practice mindfulness. (In fact, sometimes the more a parent tries to convince them of the benefits of mindfulness, the more the teen will resist.) The best approach is when a parent practices and models mindfulness.

Here are some of our favorite resources on mindfulness.

Breathing through challenging emotions, focusing on the moment, slowing down, and doing one thing at a time are effective ways to practice being in the moment. 

Model Avoiding Avoidance. Years ago, I worked with a father who, like his son, used avoidance. Determined to model healthy skills, he decided to do one thing every day that he didn’t want to do. So instead of putting off a phone call, he mindfully made the phone call. Instead of avoiding addressing a concern with his partner, he mindfully addressed the concern. And every time he felt the urge to avoid, he did the opposite. Mindfully. So, notice how you manage stress and anxiety and ensure you are modeling healthy skills. Remember teens typically pay more attention to what you do and less attention to what you tell them to do.

Get Support from Others. Reaching out to supports - teachers, school counselors, your teen’s therapist, and other supportive persons - is an incredibly wise strategy that parents can use to deal with challenging situations involving their teen.  If you don’t feel supported and validated, then seek out support where you do feel validated. Teens can present challenges which are often extremely stressful. It is essential that parents acquire the support and validation that they need. Don’t try to do this alone. When parents feel supported, teens ultimately benefit. It’s also wise to communicate with your teen’s therapist. Don’t assume that your teen is giving them all the information that they need to know. Speak with the therapist if you fear that your teen is using avoidance to deal with emotions. 

Attend to Your Own Well-Being. Parenting a complicated teen can leave a parent feeling emotionally drained. Many parents feel judged and overwhelmed. Parents respond more effectively when they attend to their own well-being. Doing things to improve physical health, creating rituals to practice mindfulness, scheduling activities that bring joy, and ensuring time with supportive friends is a wise way to promote a parent’s sense of well-being which ultimately benefits a teen.  

Change takes time. But the efforts that parents make, one day at a time, are worth it.