HAVE A SENSITIVE TEEN? HERE’S HOW TO HELP
Some kids are just more sensitive. Unfortunately, many lack the skills to navigate their emotions effectively.
Parents can help their teen learn to respond to emotions skillfully so that their teen can live their best life.
Here’s how parents can help.
Accept the negative and notice the positive. Sensitive people tend to filter information negatively. It’s not uncommon for five great things to happen to someone and at the end of the day they only remember the one difficult thing that happened. This contributes to problems for emotionally sensitive people. Parents can’t take away this tendency, but they can model helpful skills (and share these helpful skills when a teen is receptive to learning). Accept the negative. And make a daily intention to notice the positives, including the positives that you see in your teen.
Ensure healthy coping. Because many sensitive teens seek solace through escape (isolating, scrolling on devices, avoiding) it is essential that parents insist on healthy coping. Ensure that your teen joins the family for dinner, implement limits on devices, and require your teen to choose at least one activity in which to participate (such as learning a new skill, joining a club at school, or going to a church activity). The point is to ensure that teens are participating in life which is essential for cultivating emotional resilience. Frame this requirement out of a desire to ensure their well-being, I love you and care about you. And it’s my job to be sure you take care of yourself.
Teach doing the right thing. Teens develop what is called mood dependent behavior. When they’re in the mood, they’ll do what they need to do. If they’re not in the mood, then forget it. This can become a habit. Teach your teen to do the right thing (follow through on a task, meet an obligation) even when they're not in the mood. Validate their feelings and insist (lovingly and with encouragement) that they do the right thing anyway.
Avoid labeling. Sensitive teens behave in certain ways or develop unskillful ways of coping. They tend to get labeled – manipulative, lazy, crazy, or moody. The truth is they are doing the best they can. Labeling contributes to their distress and what is truly troubling is that these labels can develop into self-fulfilling prophecies. Want to increase your teens chances for success? Avoid labeling.
Remember your goal. Seeing your teen in distress can create distress in you and set off an impulse to fix, cheer up, lecture, or teach which too often contributes to a teen’s distress and interferes with their ability to tolerate distress. Remember, your goal is to help them navigate their emotions, not escape their emotions. So, when your teen is in distress, take a breath. This increases your chances that you can remain effective.
Practice mindfulness. Because sensitive people feel things more intensely, it can feel like a curse. But when sensitive people learn to respond to their emotions skillfully, they can lead a satisfying and joyful life. Mindfulness helps. Try to get your teen to practice mindfulness and you’ll usually get a big, NO THANKS. Instead, put your efforts into ensuring a mindfulness practice for yourself. Practice mindfulness as you move through the day. Your teen will benefit.