COMMON MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE WHEN PARENTING A COMPLICATED TEEN
Having a complicated teen is challenging.
Make it easy on yourself and avoid these very common mistakes that many parents make.
Common Mistake #1: Tell your teen not to worry. Telling someone not to worry has the potential to make them feel worse than they’re already feeling. And sometimes they’ll stop talking since often they feel like they’re not being heard. A more helpful response, It makes sense that you feel that way, what do you need? or How do you want to handle this?
Common Mistake #2: Do things for them that they can do on their own. It’s tempting to help your teen out, but if you’re doing too much you may be standing in their way of developing skills and developing emotional resilience. Gradually start giving them more to do if you think you may be doing too much.
Common Mistake #3: Take on their distress. When you take on your teen’s distress, you will contribute to their distress. It’s more helpful if you focus on being present and maintaining the belief that your teen, in this moment, is doing the best that he can.
Common Mistake #4: Save them from distress. Saving a teen from experiencing distress is tempting but it reduces their tolerance of stress and interferes with their ability to build resilience. Instead of giving into a temptation to save your teen from distress, help them navigate their emotions instead. It’s helpful when you calmly ask them what might be helpful rather than automatically trying to fix or cheer up.
Common Mistake #5: Talk about other people with your teen. Avoid talking about anyone negatively – the other parent, someone you see in the community, one of his siblings, his teacher, even someone who’s been mean to your teen. Talking negatively about others is destructive and can negatively impact a teen. It’s okay to feel negatively. It’s not helpful to speak judgmentally. If your teen happens to be struggling with someone, validate their feelings, No wonder you feel that way – rather than talk about the other person.
Common Mistake #6: Give in when your teen begs and begs and pleads and pleads. When you give into their begging and pleading, you reinforce their persistence. Instead, stick to your no.
Common Mistake #7: Label your teen. Stay away from using judgmental words when talking about your teen. Words like manipulative or lazy or nuts can negatively impact your mindset and ultimately your teen. Rather than He’s lazy – try, I’m having thoughts that he’s lazy. Rather than She’s manipulative – try, She’s doing things to get her needs met.
Common Mistake #8: Dismiss his behavior as normal adolescent behavior. Know what’s normal and what’s cause for concern. Check out our handout. Seek professional help if your teen is demonstrating behaviors that are cause for concern.
Common Mistake #9: Try to change your teen. Changing your teen is impossible and trying to do it will backfire. It’s a waste of your energy and it will create negative feelings for your teen. Instead of making it a goal to change your teen, focus on being the most effective parent you can be. This helps you feel better and in the long run helps your teen.