WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYTHING JUST FEELS WRONG
A wise woman once told me, “It doesn’t matter what you feel, it matters what you do.”
Of course, feelings matter. But in parenting, what parents do sometimes matters more.
There are those days when parents can feel an almost intolerable urge to do something – like, say something mean or throw up their hands and give up.
But know this – giving into an urge might feel satisfying in that moment, but in the long run it can make everything worse.
What’s a parent to do?
It helps to have a menu of things you can do that help you get through extremely tough times.
Here are some ideas:
1. Take ten deep breaths.
2. Avoid things that leave you feeling grumpy, drained, and irritated, like scrolling through social media, drinking alcohol, or mindlessly eating.
3. Do something that clears your mind– get in nature, work on a hobby, go for a run, make some tea, listen to music.
4. Practice acceptance. Accept that today you don’t feel so well. Accept that today your teen is challenging. Acceptance, not to be confused with approval, lowers emotional intensity so that you can think more clearly and respond more effectively.
5. Reach out to supports. Talk to someone who is encouraging and validating.
6. Focus on how you want to be rather than how you feel. Identify how you want to be – strong, compassionate, grounded, wise – and then do things that are in line with those ideals.
7. Look for the positives. This does not mean to dismiss the concerns, the challenges. It means to acknowledge the challenges while also looking for the positives. This is a powerful way to shift your perspective.
8. Use mantras, affirmations, or prayers. This reduces emotional suffering and creates a healthier mindset which is vital for responding wisely rather than emotionally.
These eight tips don’t solve the problem. But they do help parents get through those extremely challenging times without resorting to behaviors that have the potential to make everything worse.
So, when it’s not a good day, when you’re just more vulnerable, when no one is acting right, remember this - what matters most, is what you do.
We believe that parenting a complicated teen is hard.