CULTIVATING A HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEEN
Your teen no longer seems excited to see you. She makes a beeline for her bedroom rather than excitedly sharing about her day. He bristles whenever you talk or ask questions. Even the way you chew your food seems to annoy your teen.
Your teen may not act like it, but your teen still needs you.
Check out these strategies for cultivating a harmonious relationship with your teen.
Understand your teen. Teens are supposed to be moving away, separating from their parents, figuring out who they are. It’s how they achieve independence. When parents understand why their teen is doing what they’re doing they have a better chance of maintaining calm. And when parents maintain their calm, they are less likely to react emotionally. This is exactly what a teen needs during an emotionally challenging time in their life.
When your teen is ready to talk, listen. Force a teen to talk and they shut down. Instead, wait until they’re ready to talk. And when they’re ready, let go of everything – your phone, your work, your agenda. Listen intently and with curiosity. It’s common for parents to experience an urge to teach or intervene but then you risk them shutting down. Instead focus on just listening.
Speak with an intention of love. There will be times when you need to set a boundary or correct a misbehavior. Communicating with an intention of love rather than with an intention to control or change helps parents communicate more effectively.
Be present. Focusing on the future or focusing on an outcome can increase feelings of distress. Instead, practice being present. Making a daily intention to slow down and focus on right now which helps parents think and respond more effectively. This also reduces the chances that you’ll give into those impulses (like criticizing, lecturing, fixing, or avoiding) which can contribute to your teen’s distress and interfere with your goal to cultivate a harmonious relationship.
Show interest. If you find yourself judging, take a breath. Judging contributes to a parent’s distress and creates strain in a parent teen relationship. Remind yourself of your goal to cultivate a harmonious relationship.
Focus on how you want to be. Teens so often can make parents feel stupid, inadequate, and boring. Rather than getting caught up in how you’re feeling or how your teen is behaving, shift your focus to how you want to be – centered, wise, effective. When parents focus on how they want to be rather than how they are feeling, they increase their chances of responding more effectively.
Practice gratitude. When parents practice gratitude they experience greater emotional resilience and respond to distress more effectively.
Take care of yourself. “Anytime we listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.” I love this quote by Parker Palmer. When parents ensure their own well-being, their teen benefits. Make a daily intention to ensure your own well-being.