RAISING A COMPLICATED OR SENSITIVE TEEN?
Nine Things to Let Go Of
Let go of fixing or managing. It’s so instinctual. Fix and manage then everyone feels better and then you feel better. The truth is, fixing or managing can contribute to a teen’s distress. Either they –
experience your efforts to fix as stressful, or
perceive your efforts as a sign they’re incapable, or
fail to build mastery.
When you experience the impulse to fix, stop. Rather than automatically fixing, ask how you might be helpful. Or, rather than automatically fixing, ask yourself – are you doing something for them that they can do (or learn to do) on their own. Give them the dignity to build mastery.
Let go of depending on your teen for validation. Parents all over the world would feel better if their teen would only validate them.
Mom, I didn’t realize how much you have going on. No wonder you’re angry with me.
You do so much for me! What can I do for you?
Because you can’t depend on your teen for validation, validate yourself instead.
I’m angry and that’s okay that I’m angry.
I’ve got a lot going on. No wonder I’m overwhelmed.
Self-validation is a powerful way to reduce distress and to respond to stressful situations more effectively.
Let go of overscheduling. Overscheduling creates stress and anxiety. Creating time for rest, reflection, and play helps people live more effectively and more joyfully. Teens benefit.
Let go of guilt from the past. Know that no matter what, you are doing the very best you can. Give yourself grace. Guilt robs you of the emotional well-being that helps you be the most effective parent that you can be.
Let go of making predictions. Years ago, I heard a quote that was attributed to Mark Twain, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” When we look into the future and begin making predictions, we increase anxiety. And much of what we worry about doesn’t happen. Make an intention to live one day at a time. And pass this marvelous skill onto your teen.
Let go of overtalking. Ever notice your teen’s eyes glaze over after you’ve been talking for a few minutes? Or have you noticed that your teen seems irritated when you start asking questions? Overtalking and asking questions creates distress for teens. Reduce stress for yourself and your teen. Keep things short and simple. The less you talk the better.
Let go of battling over your teen’s messy room. It’s developmentally normal for a teen’s bedroom to be messy. Let go of the battle and experience feelings of relief and a more positive relationship with your teen.
Let go of noticing what’s not right. The more stressed we get, the more we tend to notice what’s not right. If you’ve ever had a boss who seemed to only notice where you were lacking, you know what it does to your morale, your sense of self, and your motivation. Make an intention to let go of what’s not right. Instead, notice what’s right.
Let go of your phone. Want to really feel better? Want to reduce anxiety, increase your energy, and model healthy behavior for your teen? Let go of your phone. I don’t mean get rid of it. I mean, be more intentional about your use. Take a break. Unplug. Live intentionally. As Tim Wu, author of The Attention Merchants writes, “We are at risk, without quite fully realizing it, of living lives that are less our own than we imagine.”