TEENS, PARENTS, AND MENTAL WELLNESS

World Teen Mental Wellness Day is March 2. 

According to The World Health Organization, mental wellness is defined as a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.

Parents desire to see their teen cultivate mental wellness. Yet too often, teens are turning to behaviors (cutting, avoiding, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, social media) to cope with emotions that can sometimes feel intolerable. Tragically, these behaviors become habitual and frequently contribute to a teen’s negative self-belief – I’m incompetent, I’m unworthy, I’m incapable, I’m bad. These beliefs can influence them throughout their lives and interfere with their ability to experience mental wellness. 

What can a parent do?

Seeing a teen in emotional distress can trigger an emotional impulse in a parent. For instance, a teen sobs, certain their life is over following a breakup. A parent experiences an impulse to help and reminds their teen how wonderful they are or how much they have to be grateful for. 

Or a teen complains about the unfairness of school, the incompetence of teachers, and the stupidity of his peers. Parents experience an impulse to teach their teen about the importance of having a good attitude.    

These parental impulses can be strong and difficult to ignore. Yet often, following through on an impulse which can feel like the right thing to do, can inadvertently contribute to a teen’s distress, be misinterpreted by the teen, or interfere with a teen’s ability to develop the capacity to tolerate discomfort and develop skills for coping.   

Notice your impulse. How do you react when you see your teen in distress? Do you experience an impulse to cheer up? Or fix the situation? Or do you have an impulse to remove your teen’s distress? Maybe you have an urge to criticize or lecture?  Or do you experience an urge to blame someone else – your partner or the school? Or do you spiral into guilt or shame or experience an urge to avoid?

Just notice the impulse. Don’t judge it. Instead, train yourself to pause. It’s natural to experience the urge. But it’s not always the most helpful response.  

Regulate your emotions. Teens learn to regulate their emotions when their parent regulates emotionally. How do you regulate when emotions are high? Breathing and focusing on calming your body helps. When your body is tense it can set off a fight, flight, or freeze response and interfere with your ability to regulate emotionally and your ability to think clearly. If you need to take a break, instead of walking away (which a teen perceives as rejecting), try saying, I’m getting upset, I want to calm down and then we can talk.

Let them know their emotions makes sense. Saying, you do have a lot going on or, no wonder you’re sad is a powerful way to reduce anyone’s emotional distress (even your own – I do have a lot going on, no wonder I’ve been so upset.) This response to a teen’s distress (or to your own distress) helps reduce the intensity of emotions. And rather than giving into an impulse to problem solve or cheer up or give advice, it’s helpful if you ask them if they would like you to listen or if they need your advice. 

Don’t take away the problem. Parent’s often experience an urge to remove their teen’s problems although it is when people learn to move through challenges, rather than bypass problems, that they develop resilience and learn the greatest lessons in life. If your teen is in distress, resist the impulse to remove their problem whether it’s picking them up from school when they’re anxious, cheering them up, telling them to be grateful, or removing a consequence. Instead, offer support, you’re right, that is stressful – how do you want to handle it? Or I know this is hard. Would you like me to share what has been helpful to me? 

Once their emotional distress is reduced, they can think more clearly and respond more effectively. 

Seek support. High emotional situations interfere with our ability to think and behave effectively. Ensure that you are getting the right supports – a knowledgeable professional or a validating and encouraging friend. In other words, don’t go it alone.