END OF THE YEAR REVIEW FOR WISE PARENTING

I used to live by the motto, if everyone would act right, then I’d be fine. I now understand that living wisely is about first taking care of ourselves. Similarly, Wise Parenting, requires parents to first take care of themselves. Without that, parents are less likely to respond skillfully and more apt to react emotionally, e.g., give into demands, engage in behaviors that aren’t in line with their values, say things they regret, take on their teen’s distress.

Below is a list of questions that can help you reflect on your year and plan for the New Year.

What things went well this year? What were some of your successes? Perhaps you started a yoga practice or joined a book club. Or maybe you maintained healthier boundaries with your teen. It is so common for all of us to notice what went wrong. Or to focus on what we don’t currently have. Take some time and reflect on what went well. If criticism creeps in, stop. Return your attention to what went well. Notice how these successes feel. Savor this. When we reflect on successes, we increase our chances for positive growth.  

What things didn’t go well this year?  Identify these as opportunities for growth rather than opportunities to beat up on yourself. And rather than identify someone else’s problems or shortcomings, keep the focus on you. For instance, failing to maintain a boundary, engaging in avoidant behavior, neglecting self-care, giving into urges to criticize. Take your time with this. Again, reflect on this as opportunities for growth. Give yourself grace. 

What are some things that might help you? It helps to brainstorm all sorts of ideas even if at first, they seem silly or impossible. Reflecting back on your successes or things that didn’t go well might help generate ideas of things that you need. Some examples might include, getting help with the daily tasks, carving out time for meditation, scheduling regular lunch dates with a friend.  

What isn’t serving you well? Unhealthy habits, judgments, toxic relationships might be things that you can let go of. Anything that interferes with your emotional and physical well-being will interfere with your ability to parent wisely.  

What values do you prioritize? Values, such as joy, compassion, security, family, learning, connection, growth, stability, health are often priorities. Make a list of your values. Consider writing about your values. When parents live their life in line with their values (not what popular culture values and not what their parents valued) they are more emotionally resilient and experience greater joy. This positively impacts others in your life.  

Want to ditch New Year’s Resolutions? Instead, name a Word of the Year. This helps promote clarity and focus for how you want to live your life. Last year my word of the year was joy. I’m leaning to make simple my word of this upcoming year.

When parenting a complicated teen, a parent’s natural impulse is to change their teen. This can surprisingly make matters worse. A more effective approach is when a parent shifts their goal to being wise. And the first task is to take care of themselves. When parents use this approach, taking care of themselves first, they have a better chance of responding calmly and skillfully.  And when parents respond calmly and skillfully, teens benefit.