FIVE COMMON MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE WHEN THEIR TEEN WON'T TALK

Your child used to happily chat with you about her day. Tell you about her plans, the games she and her best friend invented, her aspirations for when she’s a grown up.

Your son used to talk, and talk, and talk. And talk.  

Now your child has reached adolescence and getting them to talk can seem impossible. 

Parents worry that their teen seems shut down and that things could worsen if their teen continues to stay mute.

A teen’s behavior can prompt a parent to respond in ways that will sometimes make things worse.

Here are five common mistakes that parents make when their teen doesn’t want to talk and five things to do instead: 

1. Insist that they talk. You might worry that your teen is holding things in. You know the relief that can come from airing out problems, so you try and get her to talk. But trying to get a teen to talk when they don’t want to can sometimes create distress. Teens’ emotions are big and complex and often, they don’t even know why they’re feeling what they’re feeling. When they feel pushed to talk, they sometimes feel worse. In these situations, offering acceptance and calm can help. So, if your teen isn’t talking, rather than push her to talk, do the opposite. Take a step back. Practice acceptance and calm. You may notice when you step back, your teen is more likely to reach out.  

2. Jump to conclusions. Since he was an infant, you’ve learned to tune in to his emotions and behaviors to determine his needs. Now he’s a mystery. Jumping to conclusions often makes things worse. For instance, if he’s quiet and you assume he’s harboring some secret or he’s in trouble and just not saying anything, then you will only make yourself anxious. And your anxiety will directly impact your teen. If you suspect something, then say something, you’ve been really quiet, is there something going on? or I can’t help but wonder that you might be worried about something. Do you want to talk? If they say no, let it go. Take a step back and make a commitment to stay present (which can quell anxiety.) Remember, your calm promotes their calm. And when you take a step back, they often will reach out.

3.  Assume you’ve done something wrong. Your teen has always come to you when they’re hurt or scared or sad. Now they no longer reach out to you. It’s not uncommon for a parent to assume they themselves have done something wrong. It helps to remember that this is a normal part of adolescence. Practice acceptance. Then make yourself completely available for when your teen does come to you. 

4. Say something out of anger. It isn’t uncommon for parents to feel angry when their teen doesn’t want talk to them. After all, it can feel as though you have turned your life upside down for your kid. But if you say something out of anger then you risk straining the relationship. Rather than giving into your anger, focus on how you want to be – calm, centered, wise. And if you do say something, speak the way you want your teen to speak to you – with respect. 

5.Pull away. When teens pull away, it can be tempting for a parent to pull away. Instead, make a commitment to be present. When parents are present, they are better able to be available when their teen does reach out. They can address concerns more effectively when they do arise. And presence helps parents accept their teen’s need for space while also ensuring balance. For instance, you understand their need to have time to themselves and you also can insist that they join the family for supper.