WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON’T LIKE WHO YOUR TEEN IS HANGING OUT WITH
If you have ever been concerned about who your teen is hanging out with and said something about it, you may have noticed that you don’t get the response you’d hoped for.
Say something to your teen about their friends and they may get angry, defensive, accuse you of being judgmental. Sometimes they ignore you.
But if you say nothing, you worry you’re not doing your job as a parent.
Of course, you can’t pick your teen’s friend group.
And you know you can’t control who they like and who they spend time with.
But there are things you can do to set them up so that they have a better chance of making good decisions about peers or relationships.
First, see the good in your teen. Like the popular saying goes, there is good in the worst of us and bad in the best of us. When people believe in their innate goodness, they are more likely to associate with others who perpetuate this sense of goodness. Many teens filter information negatively putting them at risk of developing a negative self-belief (I’m bad, I’m unlovable) which can influence who they choose to spend time with. When teens develop a positive belief about themselves, they are more likely to turn to peers who perpetuate this belief. Parents can help by seeking out and noticing their teen’s goodness. And when setting limits and boundaries, doing it out of a place of love rather than a place of punishment.
Second, give them tools to navigate relationships. Many people find themselves accepting unacceptable behavior from others – whether it’s a peer group or a partner. Emotions give us information about other people, (you know that person makes you feel good and confident while that person leaves you feeling drained or insecure.) You can help your teen by letting them know that they can rely on and trust their feelings, no wonder you feel that way. If you become concerned that your teen might be negatively impacted by someone, pose a question (calmly, lovingly, and free of judgment), does that feel okay to you? Are you okay with that? Or gently pointing out your concerns, you haven’t seemed as happy since you have been hanging out with that group of girls. Is everything okay? Helping a teen listen to and trust their own feelings gives them the ability to navigate relationships throughout their life.
Third, encourage teens to find their own sense of well-being. Building competence or a sense of mastery, whether through athletics, artistic pursuits, or hobbies helps a teen develop their own sense of self rather than seeking approval from others. Encourage your child’s interests. Insist that they participate in one activity or learn one new skill. Model this as well. Cultivate hobbies, interests, pursue goals. Not for approval. Not for accolades or attention. But because it feels good. People who cultivate their own sense of well-being are more likely to make healthy choices for themselves, are less dependent on others, experience better emotional health, and stick to what they believe in.
Fourth, maintain support. Even when you have done all the right things and said all the right things, your teen may continue to associate with a negative friend group or remain in an unhealthy relationship. Wise parenting is not about controlling your teen. It’s about maintaining a loving and supportive stance to help them best move through challenges. Maintain love and support. Practice acceptance. Focus on presence and remember that challenges can bring growth.
I believe that every teen has potential. It’s what drives my work.