HELPING TEENS THRIVE EMOTIONALLY

I’m someone who is very sensitive and for many years I tried escaping emotions. I’m aware now that it’s not the wisest way to live.

I’m not alone. We are a society that has become intolerant of unpleasant emotions. It’s tempting to avoid sadness or worry or boredom and instead turn to anything that can help minimize or anesthetize discomfort. 

Entertainment, devices, alcohol, food, even overmanaging and staying busy are ways that we distract ourselves from unpleasant emotions. 

Teens are no different. Their behaviors are often how they escape discomfort.

Here’s the problem: Habitually avoiding unpleasant emotions can contribute to the development of psychological disorders.  

Instead of running from emotions, we want to respond skillfully to emotions. 

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. How can parents help their teen thrive emotionally?

Increase your own tolerance of emotions

Notice how you deal with emotions. Instead of giving into an urge to avoid or distract, pause, take a breath. See if you can identify what it is you’re feeling and what you need. 

Emotions give us information. Are you hungry, bored, confused, angry, worried? What do you need?

Sometimes emotions are intense, making it hard to think rationally. If this is the case take a walk, call a friend, say a prayer. Parents and teens respond more effectively when the intensity of the emotion is lessened. 

Increase your teen’s tolerance of emotions

Notice what you do when your teen is in distress. Some parents respond more emotionally – cheering up, getting upset, or sometimes avoiding. 

Other parents respond more logically and rationally – fixing or giving advice, “Do this, then this will happen.”

For complicated teens, these approaches can often backfire. 

It’s tempting to fix things or do things to help remove your teen’s negative emotions. After all, when they feel better, you feel better. However, you want to help them have an emotion without automatically trying to escape the emotion. 

It helps to stay calm. Listen quietly. 

Avoid saying things like “Honey, you have so much to be grateful for.” Or “Oh, you don’t need to worry about that.”

Instead try, “Honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling upset. What might be helpful?” Or “How do you want to handle this?” 

Some teens experience all emotions as anger and need space to decompress before they can think rationally. 

Sometimes teens will want to speak with you and other teens may find it helpful to speak to a neutral party. 

Practice skills to increase emotional resilience 

Wise Parenting always starts with parents. Practice skills to increase emotional resilience, model these skills, and share them with your teen:

• Live with intention. With all the rushing and doing, it’s no wonder people are frequently seeking escape. Practice living with intention and notice how much better you feel. Here’s a website chock full of great information to promote intentional living.

• Limit screen time. It’s important to ensure that there are limits on screen times. Use of screens anesthetizes emotions and reduces tolerance of distress. Check out this helpful website for strategies on managing screen time. 

• Cultivate presence. We are a society of more. There’s a belief that once you get this, then you’ll be happy. Purchase this, achieve this, get this done, then everything will be okay.  The problem is – you just want more.  It’s never-ending. Living in the moment leads to a greater sense of satisfaction and greater resilience. Check out this website to learn more strategies for cultivating presence. 

•  Find joy. People can get into a routine of work and chores which makes them more vulnerable to negative emotions. If this is your pattern, try something different. Do things to cultivate joy. It doesn’t have to be big. Sit outside in the morning while you have your coffee. Send someone a card. Bake some bread. Buy a new plant. Make a gratitude list. Pay someone a compliment. Make a point to find joy every day and you will eventually increase your emotional resilience. What are you doing to bring more joy in your life? 

Wise Parenting 

Remember – Habitually avoiding unpleasant emotions can contribute to the development of psychological disorders. 

Notice how you respond to emotions, respond to your teen’s emotions skillfully, and practice skills to promote emotional resilience. 

I’ve found that when parents practice these skills, they feel better and live more wisely.  And when a parent lives wisely, teens can learn to do the same.