HOW TO GET YOUR TEEN TO DO WHAT YOU’D LOVE FOR THEM TO DO
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could bring out the very best in your teen?
The following tips don’t work overnight. But they do work with consistent effort. But first, it helps to ensure the following:
Be certain that you are doing things to take care of your emotional and physical well-being – an essential ingredient to maintain consistency with parenting.
Let go of the outcome. Nothing can be so frustrating as when what we want isn’t happening quick enough. Focus on being present instead.
Practice acceptance. Acceptance (not to be confused with approval) will reduce your teen’s distress which is vital for affecting positive change.
Enlist the support of someone who is encouraging and will support you when you are losing faith or who can help you when you’re uncertain you’re looking at the situation clearly.
Know that it’s okay to make a mistake. Give yourself a sweet pep talk, Girl it’s okay; you just hang in there. And be sure to say to your teen, when necessary, I’m so sorry. I don’t like the way I handled that just now.
Eleven Tips for Creating Positive Change
Reinforce. Notice what your teen does well and let them know. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It can be their good taste in colors, the way they treat the dog, how they maintain focus on a hobby, their creative thinking skills, the sweet way they greet your parents during a visit. The point is to start increasing positive behavior which can spread to more positive behavior. This positive reinforcement is also good for their sense of self and for your relationship.
Figure out what positively reinforces your teen. Some teens get annoyed when parents praise them. They may be more responsive to a smile, a nod, or a thumbs up.
Praise without criticism. For example, Oh wow, you got an A on your math test. But what in the world happened to your English grade? or Great choir performance this evening – you didn’t make that squeaky sound that you were making during rehearsal. To affect positive change, leave out the criticism.
Use rewards rather than remove privileges. For instance, say, Get the chores done, then you can play video games. Or, Complete your homework then you can watch Netflix.
Stick to your limits – calmly. If they beg and beg and beg and you give in, you are reinforcing their persistence. Avoid engaging in an argument. And be a broken record if you need to.
If your teen storms off angrily, see it as their way of decompressing. Reinforce them once they’ve calmed down, rather than punish for storming off.
Focus on teaching rather than punishing. Punishment can lead to feelings of resentment, strain the parent-child relationship, fail to teach new behavior, and increase the chances of self-punishment. Teaching is more effective.
Prioritize. Determine what gets priority. You can let the messy bedroom go if grades are an issue. Or let the grades go if risky behaviors are an issue.
Allow them to learn lessons from natural consequences. Giving into an impulse to get them out of trouble prevents them from learning valuable lessons.
Be careful that you don’t accidentally reward unskillful behavior. For example, don’t take them out to eat or shopping after they’ve received detention at school. Or, don’t pay more attention to them when they yell. It’s sometimes easier to pay more attention when a teen is demonstrating undesirable behavior. Instead, pay more attention and reinforce their desirable behavior. Take more of a neutral stance when their behaviors are unskillful.
Reinforce yourself!! Good job Jan, you were so successful at staying calm. Not only does this improve your chances for continued success, it also does amazing things for your mood.