HOW TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT SAYING NO

Sometimes it’s just easier to give in to your teen. Say yes and your anxious teen finally cheers up. Give in and your angry teen is now happy. You get a sense of relief and sometimes a much desired, You’re the best parent ever! 

On the other hand, saying no isn’t as pleasant. Saying no requires you to experience your teen’s distress and sometimes your own distress which can feel intolerable.  

It’s easier to say yes.

But sometimes giving in and saying yes to a teen can backfire. They fail to learn lessons. Or they get used to getting what they want. And sometimes you’re giving into things that aren’t good for them, like too much screen time. 

Saying yes can become a pattern and leave a parent feeling resentful. Over time this resentment can build up. 

It’s not always easy to know when to say yes and when to say no. 

How can a parent know when to say no?

If saying yes will cause you to go against your values, then say no.

If saying yes will prevent your teen from experiencing consequences, then say no.

If saying yes will leave you angry or resentful, then say no.

How do you say no and feel good about it?

1. Seems impossible to say no and feel good about it. But if you stay focused on your goal rather than on someone else’s feelings (which they have every right to feel) then it’s easier. The goal isn’t to please someone else. The goal is to be wise and that means following through on limits and sticking to your values. Giving in might give immediate relief but in the long run it’s not the wisest thing to do.

2. It also helps to say no in a way that feels good to you. Sometimes parents feel angry when they’re put in the position of having to say no. Don’t give into your anger. Instead, say no with compassion. 

No, sweetheart. I remember we decided that homework must be completed before you get access to your game system.

Honey, I can’t get you out of trouble. How do you want to handle this? 

The point is to speak with love and care. 

3. Know that the less you talk, the better. So don’t defend yourself, don’t overexplain. Try the broken record technique if necessary. 

I don’t want to argue about it. I’m sticking to my decision. 

I don’t want to argue about it. I’m sticking to my decision. 

I don’t want to argue about it. I’m sticking to my decision. 

4. Before you say no, be sure you mean it. It’s always okay to say let me think about it before saying no. If you give in after their persistent efforts to get you to change your mind, you have reinforced their persistence and are increasing the chances that this will continue.

5. It’s essential to take a break if you feel yourself getting angry. It’s important to let your teen know you’re taking a break since teens sometimes interpret your walking away as rejection and that will only fuel their anger.

I love you and I’m taking a break because I don’t like how you’re talking to me.

I love you and I’ve said no, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. 

6. Know that it is okay for your teen to experience distress – it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Don’t take on their emotion. This doesn’t help them, and it certainly won’t help you. Instead, stay calm. Breathe. Say mantras, affirmations, or prayers which can help you maintain calm. Here are some examples of affirmations: 

Things are challenging and I can be brave.

Breathing in, breathing out, I know that I am wise. 

Doing the right thing is not always comfortable. I can be strong and wise.

This too shall pass.

Remember this – Sometimes the easiest response is not always the wisest. But when parents respond to their teens wisely, teens have a better chance.