MY TEEN IS SO MEAN
Some teens feel things intensely and often register every emotion as anger. And because many teens lack the capacity to deal with their emotions, they take their anger out on everyone around them.
Here’s the problem – this "meanness" can become a pattern and follow them into adulthood. It’s hard to experience an effective or meaningful life when meanness is your way of being.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Here are some ways parents can help.
Maintain calm. When parents maintain calm, teens have a better chance of learning to regulate emotionally. It helps to remember that a teen’s “meanness” is usually their unskillful way of dealing with intense emotions. Staying calm doesn’t mean being cheerful or passive. It means maintaining your own emotions which is the first step for responding wisely.
Avoid labels. Teens get labeled as mean when they behave in a rude or disrespectful way. The problem with labels is that they have the power to impact someone’s belief about themselves which, unfortunately, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead of labeling, give them the message that you understand and accept them. Just because a teen behaves in a mean way, does not imply that’s who he is.
Don’t allow disrespect or abuse. While it’s important to be calm and accepting, it’s equally important to take a no-tolerance approach to disrespectful or abusive behavior. Allowing disrespect fails to teach them skillful behavior. Arguing with them only fuels the anger. Instead, have a plan for a short and simple response when your teen behaves disrespectfully, that’s enough. Or, it’s not okay to talk to me like that - can you say that another way? Keep it short and simple. And calm.
Let them walk away when they’re angry. Walking away is often a teen’s way of regulating emotionally. Resist the urge to punish or correct and instead allow them to walk away. It’s more effective to respond to them positively once they’ve calmed down.
Let them know it’s okay to be angry. Letting a teen know that you accept their emotion is a powerful way to reduce their emotional intensity. Resist the urge to talk them out of what they’re feeling. Additionally, avoid teasing or using sarcasm since these responses will only increase their anger.
Help them identify their emotion. Teens may experience sadness, fear, boredom, or frustration as anger. Parents can help them recognize other emotions; you seem overwhelmed. Is there something that you need? Or you seem really frustrated. Is there anything that I can do? When teens recognize other emotions (frustration, stress, overwhelm, worry) they increase their ability to respond effectively to their emotions.
Know that sometimes they’re more vulnerable to negative emotions. It helps knowing that illness, hormones, hunger, or fatigue increases vulnerability to negative emotions. Avoid addressing concerns when you know they’re more vulnerable. Encourage and model healthy practices to ensure good physical health. For instance, turning off devices at bedtime to ensure good sleep, getting outdoors, eating nourishing food.
Be wise. It’s important to remember that in Wise Parenting the goal is never to get them out of an emotion. Rather, the goal is to help them respond to their emotions skillfully. When parents respond to their teen wisely, teens have a better chance of living wisely.
Our mission is to support parents of teens.