HOW TO FIND JOY WHEN THINGS DON’T FEEL JOYFUL
Too often the holidays don’t feel joyful at all. They feel stressful. And this stress, unfortunately, can negatively interfere with our parenting. For instance, we are more prone to irritability and grumpiness. Then driven by guilt, we might try to please everyone. Or stress makes us more likely to filter information negatively.
As one of my favorite yoga instructors said the other day, “Notice how the situation doesn’t need your stress to resolve itself.”
It’s so true. If stress is driving us, then we lose our effectiveness. Especially in our parenting.
It’s instinctual to look outside ourselves for a sense of joy. But when parents cultivate their own joy, they respond more wisely. They are less likely to be controlling and irritable. They are more likely to notice what’s right which helps to promote a positive relationship with their teen. And when parents cultivate their own joy, they experience greater emotional resilience.
How in the world can someone cultivate their own joy when the season is wrought with stress and others around you (like your teen) are struggling?
How to cultivate your own joy:
Breathe. Focusing on the problem increases your stress. Focusing on your breathing regulates your emotions and improves your ability to think clearly. Feeling stressed or angry isn’t a sign to push harder, it’s often a signal to breathe.
For more on breathing and wise parenting check out my blog post Seven Ways that Yoga Can Promote Wise Parenting.
Practice self-care. Caring for self too often is regarded as selfish. Yet it’s essential when parenting a teen. As Eleanor Brownn states, “Self-care is not selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” This season, make a daily intention for self-care. Take a walk outside. Make a pot of delicious soup. Light a candle at night. Keep a gratitude journal. Reach out to people who support you. Give yourself grace. Rather than saying to yourself, Ugh, I’m such a witch try, oh girl – things have been hard. It’s okay to feel this way.
Do one thing at a time. In our fast-paced culture multi-tasking seems the only way to go. And certainly, when stressed, there’s a tendency to work faster. But then this just generates more stress. Try a wiser approach this season and do one thing at a time. When you’re tying a bow focus on tying the bow. When you’re working on a project, keep your attention on the project. When you’re washing the dishes, notice the sensations of washing the dishes. Shifting the goal from achieving to doing one thing at a time promotes more joy. Check out one of my all-time favorite books that helped me appreciate this concept.
Give without any expectation. Years ago, I was inspired by a memoir that described the transformational practice of giving without any expectation. This season give without any expectation – not for a compliment, not with the expectation that you’ll feel better, and certainly not if I do this then someone will like me. Just give. Make a jar of spiced tea for your neighbor. Pay a compliment to the cashier. Allow someone in line to go in front of you. Tip your hairdresser a little extra. Bring your coworker a muffin. Send a package of goodies to your sister. Surprise your teen with a gift card to a local coffee shop. Give joyfully. Without any expectation.
Certainly, there is stress. Yet there’s also capacity for joy.
And it is joy that helps us respond more wisely to those around us. Including our teens.
I wish you so much joy this holiday season.
Resources:
ClaraRobertsOss.com
Eleanorbrownn.com
The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh by Thich Nhat Hanh
29 gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life by Cami Walker