HOW TO MAINTAIN LIMITS WHEN YOUR TEEN DOESN’T LIKE YOUR LIMITS
You set a limit with your teen. For instance:
No internet access after 9 pm.
No, I’m not allowing you to go to that concert.
We’ve talked about this situation for 30 minutes and I can’t talk about it any longer.
But then your teen refuses to accept the limits. They scream, beg, cry, threaten to harm themselves. They accuse you of being the worst parent ever or tell you that you’re ruining their life.
What do you do?
It’s typical for parents to respond in three different ways.
They give into the limit and grant permission to do something even though it goes against their values.
They make every attempt to convince their teen to understand and accept the limit.
They get mad and yell or argue.
All these responses make sense.
Giving into a limit is often very tempting because then it puts a stop to the distress. The teen stops being upset, often tells you you’re amazing and you both feel relief. But the problem is that their unskillful or dysregulated behavior is rewarded. This increases the chances that they’ll do it again next time. It can leave parents feeling out of control and resentful.
It’s also tempting to convince your teen to understand your limit. After all, if they understand and accept your limit then everything will feel better. But often this attempt to get them to understand and accept the limit goes in circles. It doesn’t solve anything, creates patterns of ineffective communication, and can result in more distress and ultimately more dysregulation.
It's also tempting to get mad. Your teen might seem unreasonable or rude; you’ve worked a long week, and saying something in anger can feel hugely relieving. I know. I’ve done it. But in the long run it puts strain on your relationship, creates resentment in the teen, and establishes patterns of negative and ineffectual communication.
What’s a parent to do?
It’s easy to get sidetracked when your teen reacts to your limits.
But if you are crystal clear that your limits are wise (consult with someone you trust if you’re unsure, do not rely on your teen to let you know your limits are wise) and you focus on your goal – to maintain your limit – then you will be more effective.
Here are some things that can help:
Accept the discomfort. We are a culture that resists discomfort. It’s one reason why so many teens have such a hard time. Accept that you can be uncomfortable and that you will be okay. And accept that they are uncomfortable and that they can learn to be okay.
Give yourself grace. Don’t expect your teen to give you grace, you’re right mom, thanks for taking good care of me. They’re just doing what many teens do - trying to get their needs met. Give yourself grace, I’m angry and that’s okay that I’m angry. Or, this is hard and this is temporary.
Allow them to have their own feelings. It helps to say things like, I’m sorry, I know you really wanted to go. Or, I know you’re upset and this is a decision I need to stick with.
Do not defend yourself and don’t let yourself get into an ineffectual conversation. If you feel like you need to defend yourself or if you feel like the conversation is going in circles, it can help to stop the conversation and instead be a broken record, No, sweetheart. I remember we decided that homework must be completed before you get access to your game system. Honey, I can’t let you go to the party. How do you want to handle this?
Take a break if you need to. Since they can perceive you taking a break as rejecting, it helps to explain what you’re doing, I love you and this is making me feel upset, I need to take a break.
Remind yourself that just because they’re like this now, doesn’t mean they’ll always be like this. Keep yourself present. Breathe. Say a mantra. Say a prayer. In other words, take care of yourself when in distress.
Reach out for support. If you have a hard time maintaining limits, it’s normal. Reach out to someone you trust.
Once things have calmed down, consider problem solving for the future. It’s tempting to scold them for their negative reaction. But then that can trigger more negative behavior. Instead, pay attention to the fact that they’ve calmed down and consider problem solving the situation for the future. Tough situations can offer opportunities for learning and for positive change.