I JUST WANT MY TEEN TO BE HAPPY
How to Respond to Your Teen’s Emotions
There is an article today on the front page of The New York Times about teens and psychiatric medication, stating that too many teens are being prescribed heavy duty psychiatric medications. According to the article, a mail-order pharmacy recently reported that prescriptions of antidepressants for teens rose 38% from 2015 – 2019, compared with 12% for adults. Some health experts worry that psychiatric drugs are being prescribed to dull emotions that are a natural part of adolescence.
Too often, teens experience their emotions intensely and don’t have the ability to navigate them effectively. To many teens, emotions are something to avoid.
But the truth is, emotions give us information and when we learn to respond to them effectively, they can help us live our best life. Emotions let us know what we love and are passionate about. Emotions help us navigate relationships – what we like and what we don’t like. They give us energy and creativity. Emotions give us information about what we need to do – whether it’s reach out for advice or establish a boundary or prepare for a project.
When we try to avoid emotions, we risk living in depression and anxiety.
The problem is that some teens experience exquisite distress with emotions. They feel them intensely. Parents can respond to their teen in a way where teens can learn to navigate their emotions skillfully. It’s important to remember that as a parent the goal isn’t to get your teen out of an emotion. The goal is to help them deal effectively with an emotion.
Here are some strategies that can be helpful.
Help them reduce the intensity of their emotion
When emotions are intense, they can sabotage us. Nobody thinks clearly or effectively when their emotions are high. So, the first thing a parent can do is to respond to their teen in a way that reduces the intensity of the emotion. It seems logical to tell them it will be okay or to try to cheer them up, but this will often have the opposite effect on a sensitive teen.
When you see your teen in distress, stay calm. If your teen senses that you are getting into distress, it will add to their distress. Or if they sense you’re trying to get them out of an emotion – like you’re trying to cheer them up or trying to get them to look at the situation differently, it will often add to their distress. Sitting with them calmly or keeping yourself calm can help lower the intensity of their emotion. You can be concerned and at the same time you can be calm. Just like you want your teen to have an emotion and still be okay.
And even though you may not understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling, you can accept it. Letting them know you accept their feeling, no wonder you feel that way or I don’t blame you is another effective way to reduce the intensity of the emotion.
It can seem impossible to stay calm when your teen is in distress. Focusing on staying present and breathing through your distress helps parents stay calm. A mindfulness practice can help with this. Here’s a great resource for learning about mindfulness.
Help them identify what they’re feeling and what they need
Most teens can only register a couple of emotions – like anger and worry. So, once the intensity of the emotion is down, you might be able to help them determine what they’re feeling. Sometimes they don’t know what they’re feeling, and you might not either. It helps if you consider how you might think or feel if you were them. Rather than tell them not to feel that way, ask what they need.
Why is this so important? Many folks are told they shouldn’t feel mad or worried which just makes things feel worse. The truth is emotions give us information and help us navigate life. Mad might be an indication that they need to address something or perhaps it’s a sign they need to establish a boundary with someone. Sad or lonely might indicate they need to reach out to a friend.
It helps to ask, how do you want to handle this, instead of automatically taking care of it for them or giving advice. Once again, figuring out what they’re feeling and what they need can only be accomplished once the intensity of the emotion is reduced. And some teens prefer to talk to someone else or have the space to figure this out on their own.
Some other things that parents can do
Ensure your own well-being. If parents aren’t okay, they are more emotionally vulnerable and less likely to respond effectively to their teen. Take care of issues that may be interfering with your own emotional well-being. Create rituals for a mindfulness practice, cultivate supportive relationships in your life, ensure practices for good physical health to increase your emotional resilience.
Recognize what’s normal and what’s cause for concern. Teenage angst is normal. But when anxiety is paralyzing or when a teen is self-harming, then it’s a sign to get help. Click here to see what’s normal and what’s not.
Let go of judgments – of yourself, your teen, and others. Judgments, at times, are necessary but when they’re used negatively, they create distress in the environment. And when teens hear their parents' judging others, they suspect others are judging them.
Let go of sarcasm, which is a form of verbal aggression and contributes to emotional distress.
Set limits on devices. Many teens are using devices excessively which lowers their ability to tolerate emotions. Like my good friend and colleague Linda Combes said, “You let your kid eat chocolate for a treat, but you wouldn’t even think about having only chocolate for a meal. Like chocolate, devices are fantastic, but a constant diet of devices is unhealthy.” So, set limits with love.
The goal of Wise Parenting isn’t to prevent our teen from experiencing negative emotions. The goal is to help them respond effectively to emotions. When people learn to respond to their emotions effectively, they can live to their potential.