WHAT TO DO WHEN WHAT YOU’RE DOING DOESN’T SEEM TO BE WORKING
What Teens Do
When teens engage in unskillful behavior, like isolating, avoiding, defying, or self-harming, we say they are in Emotion Mind. There is nothing wrong with emotions, but when it drives behavior in the wrong direction, it can be problematic.
Emotion Mind behavior interferes with a teen’s ability to live their best life.
What Parents Do
When parents are faced with a teen’s emotions and behaviors, they too can get into Emotion Mind. Or if you prefer, Reactive Mind, Worried Mind, or Anxious Mind.
I say this all the time, if parents didn’t love their kid so much, they’d be less likely to get into Emotion Mind.
When anyone is in Emotion Mind, it’s as if their thinking brain goes offline. Here’s the problem, sometimes parents don’t recognize when they’re in Emotion Mind. They believe whatever their brain is telling them which may interfere with their ability to be most effective.
Some of the things that parents do in Emotion Mind include lecturing, shaming, taking on their teen’s emotion, giving into their teen’s demands, spiraling into negative thinking, or avoiding. These behaviors can contribute to a teen’s Emotion Mind behaviors.
For instance:
When a parent lectures it creates distress for a teen and they typically tune it out.
When a parent criticizes and punishes, it doesn’t teach skillful behavior and it can lead to a teen’s self-punishment. And as B.F. Skinner so correctly pointed out, “A person who has been punished is not less inclined to behave in a given way; at best, he learns how to avoid punishment.”
When a parent fails to stick to a limit, the teen fails to learn the intended lesson.
A Wise Approach
Parents want to avoid giving into these Emotion Mind behaviors and instead respond when they can think more clearly and respond more wisely. This is Wise Parenting.
Here are some examples:
I worked with a mother who whenever she got worried, she impulsively criticized her daughter. This created a tremendous amount of distress for her daughter and put a lot of strain on their relationship. The mother learned to recognize her own impulse to criticize and took a walk instead. After her walk, she usually felt better, could think more clearly, and respond to her teen more effectively.
A father I knew couldn’t stand to see his daughter in distress, so he’d give in to an urge to “fix.” For instance, he called the teacher and made an excuse when his daughter slept in. He let her get out of her chores and did them himself. He took her assignments to school for her if she failed to remember them. Finally, he learned to pay attention to this urge to fix. Instead, he’d take a breath and remember his goal to be a wise parent. Then he’d return his focus to whatever he was doing in the moment. He’d remind himself that her distress was temporary, and that she was learning important lessons.
The Problem & The Solution
Know this: It often feels more comfortable giving into an urge – to lecture, shame, fix, or avoid – when a parent is in Emotion Mind. It’s important for parents to remember that if they want their teen to stop using Emotion Mind behavior, then they themselves want to find alternatives to Emotion Mind behavior.
First, it helps to identify when you are in Emotion Mind (you can usually feel this physically) and then identify your urge – to fix, lecture, or shame.
Next, identify 3-5 tools that you can use when you are in Emotion Mind instead of giving into your urge. Here are some examples of tools that parents can use when they are in Emotion Mind:
Take 10 deep breaths
Say affirmations over and over (such as: my child is learning or my child is doing the best he can)
Drink iced cold water
Call a friend who validates and supports you
Take a walk
Write an angry letter that you don’t plan to give to the recipient – but only do it to give yourself some relief
Look for the silver lining
Pray
Do a guided meditation
Focus on what you’re doing in the moment
These tools are also not meant to be used when you need to do something immediately. It is helpful to know what behaviors are normal and what behaviors are problematic. Here's a helpful resource.
Parenting a complicated teen can be hard and change takes time. So, find ways to support yourself, and praise yourself for your efforts.