MOM GUILT: WHAT TO DO WHEN THE MOM GUILT WON’T GO AWAY
Most moms experience a moderate amount of Mom Guilt. Sometimes it happens as soon as you become a mother. Maybe it’s guilt that you don’t experience the joy you’d anticipated and instead, you feel exhausted and irritable. Or guilt because, despite your best efforts, your baby won’t stop crying. And then your child becomes a teenager. You might feel guilty that you’re doing too much, not doing enough, or that you’re too controlling, too lenient, too busy, or too weird.
While many moms (and certainly fathers and caregivers) get used to the guilt and agree that it’s just part of being a parent, there are others who, no matter what they do, experience a nagging sense of guilt. Here’s the problem: persistent guilt interferes with a parent’s effectiveness. For instance, a parent avoids setting limits or ignores something that needs to be addressed out of a sense of guilt. Or sometimes guilt can turn into anger or into shame, destroying a mother’s sense of well-being, making her more vulnerable to react emotionally rather than respond effectively.
Parenting a teen is challenging enough. Persistent guilt makes it even more challenging.
The Truth about Guilt
Guilt is supposed to be helpful. It’s a sign to make repairs. Making repairs to a teen is positive since not only does it model skillful behavior, but it also helps to cultivate an effective parent-teen relationship, “I really don’t like how I handled that and I’m sorry.” Honest and simple. No need to over-apologize and no need to defend yourself. It’s important to remember that part of making repairs is correcting the behavior. But because teens can be so challenging it’s common for parents to find themselves doing things they regret and making the same apology over and over. If this is the case, talking to a friend or consulting with a professional can be helpful.
But know this - just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you are guilty. For instance, you set a limit on screen time and your teen gets upset with you. His upset is his reaction to a limit and not a sign you’ve done something wrong. Rather than zeroing in on your teen’s reaction, focus on your own goals as a parent. It’s additionally helpful when you set limits and boundaries out of an intention of love, rather than an intention of control. Not only are you more effective, but you are less likely to succumb to feelings of guilt.
But What If Guilt Persists?
Sometimes no matter what, guilt can persist. Whatever the reason, give yourself compassion and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Give compassion not only to yourself but to mothers everywhere, because the truth is, mothers are doing their best. Care and concern for ourselves and for others enhances our sense of well-being, an essential ingredient for dealing with the challenges associated with parenting a teen.
It also helps to shift the focus from the problem (how your teens is making you feel or how you think others might be judging you) and instead focus on how you want to be as a parent in this moment: calm, confident, compassionate. This enables you to think more clearly and respond more effectively.
And finally, rely on supportive friends, family members, and mentors. Like the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a human. This is particularly true when raising a teen.
Parenting a teen has a way of inciting all sorts of intense emotions. While guilt is intended to be helpful, it can unfortunately be intense, interfering with a parent’s effectiveness. So, give yourself compassion, give mothers everywhere compassion, keep your focus on how you want to be in the present, and reach out to supports.