WHAT IS WISE PARENTING?
Once I worked with a woman who was extremely successful. Throughout her adolescence she fared well academically, was liked by her peers, and held leadership positions throughout high school and college. She married her college sweetheart and built a thriving business. So, it didn’t surprise her when her first daughter, like herself, was praised by teachers, followed rules at home, and was well liked by her peers. Her daughter’s achievements, sweet disposition, and helpfulness filled her with pride.
Her younger child she described as more trying, even as a toddler. She screamed loudly, complained of loud noises, and fought with other children in the neighborhood. The mother figured she’d outgrow these behaviors and maintained her focus on keeping a positive home environment. Things got worse when her daughter started middle school and became moodier and more argumentative. Her younger daughter struggled academically and complained that she didn’t have any friends. She fought with her older sister and screamed so loudly that her parents avoided setting limits or enforcing rules. When her younger daughter started high school, she became involved with a boy who attended the same school. For several months things seemed better, her daughter seemed happier. But then the boyfriend broke up with her and her daughter soon spiraled into a depression that was so severe she required psychiatric hospitalization on three different occasions.
When I met the mother, she described feeling weary and anxious. She was baffled that despite all her best efforts to help her daughter, her daughter continued to worsen. She was concerned about the impact on the rest of the family and admitted that she found herself avoiding her daughter and struggling with feelings of resentment and guilt.
Often “complicated” kids, like the younger daughter, are born with more sensitive dispositions. They feel things more intensely. They don’t just feel angry, they feel enraged. They don’t just feel happy, they feel overjoyed. Some parents tell me that their teen experienced sensory sensitivities when they were younger, e.g., textures and noises bothered them. Many of these kids find ways to escape the exquisitely uncomfortable feelings. They scream, avoid, blame things on others, defy the rules. As they get older, they may use drugs and alcohol, or some use self-harming behaviors. Sometimes they’ll turn to sexual promiscuity, and they frequently associate with other peers who have problems.
These unskillful behaviors are their way of dealing with distress. Parents are naturally concerned. They want their teen to make smart choices even when they don’t feel like it, to regulate their emotions rather than rely on drugs, alcohol, or sex. They want them to avoid behaviors that feel good in the short term but that in the long-term cause problems. They want their teen to be emotionally resilient, to cultivate positive relationships, and to enjoy a satisfying life.
In other words, parents want their teen to live wisely.
Here’s the problem. Because parenting a complicated teen can fuel a parent’s emotions, parents find themselves responding to their teen emotionally. For instance, they do things that they ordinarily wouldn’t do, like avoiding setting limits, or engaging in arguments. It’s common for parents of complicated teens to swing from one extreme to the other – to experience great patience and then great impatience, to feel hopeful and then hopeless, to be too lenient and then too authoritarian. Some parents discover that because of the challenges with their teen, they struggle with negative thoughts of despair or resentment and find that they seek escape themselves.
There is a way for parents to respond to their teen in a way that reduces a teen’s intense emotions, increases their skillful behavior, decreases their unskillful behavior, and cultivates greater parent-child connection. It’s what I refer to as Wise Parenting. Here are some examples:
Understand that your teen’s unskillful behavior is not a reflection of you but it’s their unskillful way of getting out of distress
Implement skills to help your teen regulate their emotions rather than trying to change their emotions
Know that when your teen walks away, it might be their way of decompressing
Pay more attention to skillful behavior and avoid inadvertently reinforcing unskillful behavior
Set limits calmly and respectfully and use skills to manage distress if your teen reacts emotionally
Allow your teen to experience consequences and know that this is how teens learn and develop wisdom
Be gentle, interested and validating
Pay more attention to what’s right
Prioritize what you address with your teen
Over the years I’ve discovered that it’s nearly impossible to implement wise parenting skills unless parents first start with themselves. It’s much like the flight attendant instructing you to put your oxygen mask on first, before assisting your child with hers. On a flight, if you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else.
Ensuring your emotional, physical, social, and spiritual well-being is essential since this builds emotional resilience, an essential ingredient for Wise Parenting.
What I love about these skills and what really inspires me to continue to teach these skills is the positive responses that I continually hear parents share. Some days it can seem impossible. And when parents apply the skills, one day at a time, positive change is possible.