WHY GIVING INTO YOUR IMPULSES IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST IDEA
Your once sweet child has hit adolescence. Their emotions and behaviors can affect your emotions. A parent’s feelings of worry, grief, frustration, anger, and guilt can sometimes be intense.
And intense emotions can create very strong and not so helpful impulses for a parent.
For instance, you have an adolescent who’s paralyzed by anxiety. You may feel her distress and experience an impulse to allow her to stay home from school.
On the flip side, recognizing that she was fine yesterday and she’s usually fine when she’s doing what she wants, you may experience feelings of frustration and have an impulse to say something critical.
Perhaps you have a teen who is verbally aggressive. Depending on the day and depending on your mood you may have an intolerable impulse to yell and an impulse to lecture him about how his behavior is impacting his future.
Or maybe your teen is sobbing about a recent break up. Because you know how depressed she can get, you may experience a feeling of panic and an impulse to fix things or to cheer her up.
Experiencing your teen’s emotions can generate all sorts of impulses. An impulse to get your teen out of distress, to lecture, yell, overmanage, fix, cheer up, or avoid.
But sometimes giving into these impulses can backfire.
Here's an example.
Taking on her distress and allowing her to avoid can prevent her from learning how to tolerate distress.
Yelling can contribute to a teen’s feelings of anger, can create strain in your relationship, and can perpetuate a pattern of verbal aggression.
Trying to cheer them up when they are in distress can sometimes make them feel as though you’re not truly listening.
Giving into impulses has the potential to create more distress for your teen and interfere with their ability to navigate emotions.
What’s a parent to do?
First, take care of yourself. It’s a natural human impulse to take care of everyone else. If everyone else is okay, then a parent feels okay. But when parents take care of themselves first (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) they are less likely to get mired in their teen’s distress and more likely to respond wisely. Check out this helpful website for all sorts of information on enhancing your overall well-being.
Second, recognize impulses for what they are. They are driven by emotions and not signs of what you need to do. Similarly, you know not to give into an impulse to yell at your boss when you’re angry or to eat an entire gallon of ice cream when you’re stressed. When you recognize an impulse, see it as a clue to clear your head. Go for a run, get outside, or call someone you trust. This helps reduce your distress allowing you to think more clearly and respond more wisely. A mindfulness practice promotes a parent’s ability to respond to an impulse rather than react to an impulse. Check out one of my favorite websites to learn more about mindfulness.
Third, ensure a positive mindset. Stress has the potential to create negative thinking which contributes to unhelpful emotional impulses. Need help cultivating a more positive mindset? Check out this website which is chock full of helpful information.
Fourth, give yourself grace. Rather than dismissing your feelings or judging your feelings, give yourself grace. You’ll respond more wisely and less emotionally.
As a mother of three grown children, I know now that giving into these sometimes incredibly strong impulses doesn’t usually work.
And as a former adolescent therapist I have discovered all sorts of strategies that parents can use to bring out the best in their teen.