WHEN TEENS HURT OTHER TEENS
When Teens Hurt Other Teens
When a teen is hurt by other teens – whether it’s being a target of gossip or being rejected from a friend group – it can feel devastating.
And for parents, it can feel equally as devastating.
What’s a parent to do?
A parent’s natural response is to try to fix, protect, or cheer up, “Honey, it’s going to be okay.” “Those girls weren’t good for you anyway.” Or some parents, remembering the angst of adolescence, can spiral into despair themselves or experience an almost irresistible urge to attack. These natural responses by parents can often backfire.
It helps to remember that the goal isn’t to save your teen from distress. The goal is to promote your teens use of skillful responses to challenging situations.
The first task is to reduce high distress
High distress interferes with someone’s ability to think rationally and respond skillfully.
How do you help your teen reduce their distress without fixing or cheering up?
I’ve had so many teens tell me that the best thing their parent does is just to be present and calm.
This is not a time to teach, cheer up, or give advice. It’s just a time to listen. “How can I be helpful?” vs “Honey don’t worry about it.”
It’s also important to refrain from judging. As satisfying as judging can feel, it contributes to negative emotions.
How do you stay calm when your teen is in distress?
Take a deep breath, remind yourself this is temporary, maintain a belief in your teen, and focus on the moment since spiraling into the future will only increase your anxiety.
Remember that being hurt by peers does not forecast failure for your teen’s future. Many highly successful people – Michael Phelps, Tom Cruise, Emma Watson, Bill Clinton, and even Elon Musk – were hurt by their peers.
Know this
Some teens, particularly sensitive teens, can filter information negatively. If someone gossips about them or rejects them, they can take on the belief that they’re unlovable or unworthy which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It’s helpful to ask a teen (once their high distress has lessened) “How do you want to handle this?”
And if they’re up for some advice (always ask first) you can share these pointers:
See other people’s behavior as information about them and not about you; people who are secure and happy do not hurt others.
Don’t give someone your power. Focusing on being the friend that you want to have is an effective way to cultivate friendships.
It’s tempting to give into emotions of despair or hurt. Throwing ourselves into activities that cultivate joy, inspire interest, and build mastery is the best way to get through challenging situations.
A few final words
Some teens need time to be alone to process and some want to talk.
Some teens bounce back and some teens find it helpful to talk to a third party.
If you suspect that your teen may have difficulty cultivating relationships with others, consider seeking out Dialectical Behavioral Therapy so that your teen can learn to tolerate distress, regulate emotions, and cultivate effective relational skills.
If bullying is an issue inquire about the school’s policy on bullying.
Some helpful websites about bullying:
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_are_the_best_ways_to_prevent_bullying_in_schools
Parents can help their teen learn to respond skillfully to challenges in life.